My Attitude Has Changed

Thursday 18 September, 2003

Falling asleep last night I could feel the tension in my body (back) and I had to concentrate to calm my breathing and relax. I slept soundly until 06.00 and felt fine when I awoke. I fell asleep again around 07.00 and when I woke my groin was extremely stiff. Maybe I should be getting up at 06.00. (I felt more awake then than at 08.40.) Karaj confirmed this later: ’Do whatever it takes to get up and don’t go back to bed.

Karaj and I chatted in the sunken garden. Shona is playing up again. She has no interest in sorting herself out. She wants to fail. On a different subject, I have a general feeling that we are all right. Karaj explained that it has been hard work and has taken time, but now I am seeing that my attitude is not connected to my pain and, as a result, my attitude has changed. I am much more positive about myself, and the niceness which got buried for whatever reason is showing through. That’s why it seems that everything is okay.

My yoga is another example of this. I have forced myself to do it over the past two days and, from nowhere, I stand on the verge of a routine, armed with motivation and energy.

We chatted comfortably about various topics including choices and integrity. Anything I do is my own business and I am answerable only to myself. Karaj made the following point in relation to Shona’s latest negative comment to him: ‘Why waste time with negative comments? What’s the point of dealing in negativity at all? Life’s too short.

I updated the bucket chart for the earth we have shifted in the garden. The total buckets to date (since 17th September 2001) is 12,877. Afterwards, I read through my football scrapbook from when I was a young boy. Dad wrote notes on our games when we played for the cubs (1976-78) and some of the comments about my performances were: ‘Tough, determined, unselfish, the smallest player on the pitch but the biggest heart, good work rate’, and ‘He must try and control his disappointment and avoid blaming members of his own team immediately after the game.

[It occurs to me now, 11 years later, that he may have written all of this down, but I don’t ever remember talking about it. Maybe we did and I blocked it out.]

Summary: Another busy day of good work. Exercised well, if a little too much. Ate some chocolate this afternoon and noticed how that affected me mentally – it was a chance to bash myself up. This showed me the importance of discipline to enable me to maintain mental strength. Before I went to sleep I read the Yoga Journal. There are plenty of people out there living the life I want for myself: exercise, meditation, contemplation, self-awareness, stillness. It’s heart-warming to see, and  inspirational too. Furthermore, I’m doing it.


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