The Final Journal Entry

Friday 24 October, 2003

When I woke, I wondered what to do: Stay upstairs or go down? Go straight out before the others turn up, or wait until they arrive and go out without them seeing me? I decided to go downstairs. Maybe there will be a copy of Karaj’s letter waiting for me.

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Preparing To Leave

Thursday 23 October, 2003

I woke up wondering what last night was all about. So much resolution to act, and yet this morning it seems to have weakened. I thought more about what I need to do and quickly got back into the frame of mind I was in last night. I need to sort things out. First I tried to phone Ishwar but it was engaged. I went for a walk in the crisp sunshine of Autumn, phoning Ishwar from phone boxes along the way. It remained engaged and then, at the end, there was no answer. Nevertheless, I was beginning to feel lighter and more relaxed at the prospect of leaving here, and spent the day making preparations.

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It Feels Like The End

Wednesday 22 October, 2003

I have been very tired recently and I have a short fuse with Karaj. My relationship with him is suffering from the fact that we live and work in the same house. After I had spent all day working on the latest accounts, he challenged me tonight about not trying to find him with Ishwar’s message about his father. Ishwar needs our support because his father has been taken ill again and I have let him down.

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The Struggle Is Ongoing

Monday 20 October, 2003

Karaj, Shona and I sat together at the start of the day. When Karaj mentioned the fact that Simran (and others) missed an opportunity to sort something out for Priya yesterday, Shona resurrected her jealousy regarding Priya. The ensuing discussion was a long and heated one. I felt some despair at being involved, but mainly it brought up the feelings I have had recently about Karaj and this place. I heard Shona saying precisely the things I have had running through my head over the last weeks, and I wondered why it is that those closest to him reach the same conclusions.

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Back To The Beginning

Sunday 19 October, 2003

Supervision. (Karaj, Simran, Dev, Priya, Michelle, Shona and me). Karaj and the others prepared for their trip to Priya’s to sort out her house and garden. I reflected on yesterday: the togetherness of the men and the quality of Ishwar’s work. Karaj told me that the quality of everyone’s work has always been there but I go blind to it all because of my intellect and arrogance; I don’t want to see it. Same goes for my own brilliance. I go blind to it. Karaj told me to reflect today and look at what needs doing rather than relying on him to sort things out. I need to look at what we need to sort out in the office so that we can hand it over and go out into the world.

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Remembering Why I’m Here

Saturday 18 October, 2003

Experiment in Self Healing Community (Karaj, Dev, George, Michelle, Priya, Ishwar, Harriet, Imogen and myself). I went down a little with each of Karaj’s asides. At various times he told people I am petty, passive, and that I do not trust him. Although each of these comments got to me, they did not rock me too much. Karaj is acting in my best interests and I also want people to know who I am. I need to find a way to concentrate on my positives. Karaj told Dev, ‘You are like Jonathan. You’ve done well, relax and you’ll learn even more, instead of trying to sort things out.’

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Default Setting: Everyone Is Okay

Friday 17 October, 2003

I welcomed Simran, made tea for him and Karaj, and the three of us sat together. Karaj dictated a long letter to Michelle on her performance last night, detailing the thousands of pounds in costs from her messing around. He went on to say that the reason he is angry with me is that I do not see that we are tackling the negativity of the whole of society and the world itself.

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My Mind At Work

Thursday 16 October, 2003

I was tempted, out of loyalty to Karaj, not to publish this post because it accuses him of manipulation and deceit. From where I stand now, 11 years later, I know that to be unfounded, but I still had my doubts about posting it. The final decision to publish was made because the piece belongs in my story, and because I want to make clear how the power of the mind can be sufficient to undermine everything we do.

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My True Self

Wednesday 15 October, 2003

I am still moving quickly between leaving and staying. Focusing on my body helps me to forget, but the feelings soon come rushing back. Can’t stay, can’t go. Fucked. I am not cut out for this place. I could sit for months with the letter from Leon, George & Calvin in my hands trying to find the love in it and I wouldn’t be able to.

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I Question Everything

Tuesday 14 October, 2003

Woke up and immediately felt shit at being where I am. Got ready and got out. At my counselling appointment I talked about last weekend not really being my cup of tea, and how none of my friends are that interested in what I am interested in: self development. My view is that they probably don’t need it. They are all pretty content with themselves. Although there is some dissatisfaction with some areas of their lives, they accept these as part of the deal, just as they accept the good as well as the bad in themselves and each other. Me, on the other hand, I question everything about myself and cannot rest until it is all sorted.

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Anger Where There Could Be Love

Monday 13 October, 2003

I read the letter written for me by Leon, George and Calvin. They are angry with me for not being here at the weekend. That’s how it really is here. We talk about love but all we concentrate on is negativity, and I am surrounded by it here. They tell me I am disrespectful for not informing them that I would not be around to receive the story they have written for me. It goes on to suggest that this place is the only place I can learn what I need to learn about myself. Bullshit. I learnt a lot from being with my friends for two days, which I would not have seen had I stayed here.

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Decide What I Want & Follow It

Sunday 12 October, 2003

My first thoughts on waking were what a waste of my time and energy clubbing is; and I am not relaxed with who I am. My friends know what they want and they stand by what they say because that is a true reflection of who they are. But who am I?

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Realisations Among Friends

Saturday 11 October, 2003

Yesterday Aubrey and I headed up to Manchester for Sonny’s belated stag weekend. Aubrey was lovely company. I talked to him about his life and his future. He takes things one day at a time and does not care what he does so long as he is happy. He is a person who is clear about what he wants, likes his home comforts, but also enjoys a good time. He is happy in his marriage and looking forward to having a family.

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Deciding In Every Instant

Thursday 9 October, 2003

Karaj talked to Ishwar about me as if I weren’t there. The implication was that I am not going to be here for  much longer – can’t argue with that – and Karaj ended by saying, ‘I have done all I can for Jonathan. If I try to do any more I will kill him – I’ll do what his parents have done. There is nothing for Jonathan to do except practice what he has learnt here.’ There was some more about choosing to be with winners, and that if I do not own what I have achieved here and how good I am, then I will walk out myself.

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