Dominated By My Annoyance

Wednesday 1 October, 2003

My body aches. I slept on the couch again. Ten minutes into my exercises I really wanted to give up because of the back pain, but I kept going and pushed through the mind games. Well done. Promised myself I will do the same tomorrow. I need to start meditating at some point each day. The five minutes at the end of yoga is good for that. My problem is that I cannot keep still. Cannot relax. I saw that last weekend.

Karaj returned from London and immediately started talking about everything that needs to be done, and bought, and ordered, and on and on. I told him I want to speak about my frustration with Simran and then Ishwar rang. I reflected on how I feel. The main emotion is frustration at all of this. Every day we have a list of things to do, and whilst I know we are getting somewhere, it just seems so confusing. It’s tough here. What role is my mind playing in this?

After lunch, I talked with Karaj about my irritation with Simran. He told me Simran is showing me myself. It’s the thought of his presence, the obsequiousness of his initial greeting and the fact that he tries not to disturb which gets to me more than his actual presence. It seems that because I have worked so much on myself and discovered so much, everyone irritates me. But I was an irritant too, back in October 2001, after my operation. We all are at some stage, and Simran’s initial fear when he comes here is showing me my own hesitation before I dive in to what I know is good for me. He both irritates and contributes, and this shows me my own struggle of irritation (wanting to leave), and the success of what we do (wanting to stay). The thing to do is to have Simran phone me before he comes and then I can decide whether or not I want him here. Karaj said that my next step is to see myself in others.

At 18:00 Simran arrived, so I went upstairs to do the accounts. I worked steadily for three hours. At some point Karaj and I discussed again my irritation with Simran being here. I informed him that Simran was downstairs and asked him if this was a regular arrangement. He replied, ‘I don’t know. I have not been around. I was in London last week.’ I started to get annoyed at Karaj. He told me to sort it out if I’m not happy with things. I told him they were his clients. (They were in fact the trustees of the house and Karaj and I were employed by them.) He hinted that this wasn’t fair and that I should take control of the office. I agreed. Karaj has given me the power to do what I see as appropriate, and if there is any problem, he will get involved. That was fine by me. The annoyance was still very much there, though.

Karaj went downstairs and returned 40 minutes later, to scan his mushroom. Can no-one leave me alone? And why, when he returned from London with so many things to do, is he spending time scanning a mushroom? Moreover, why is he doing it up here when he has thousands of pounds worth of scanner downstairs? Does Simran’s presence irritate him, too? [The reason behind this was that Karaj was blocked, too. Whenever that happened, he would make sure he did something – anything – just to keep going. In that moment, all he was able to do was scan a mushroom.]

At 21:30 I went downstairs to make something to eat. Simran was still there, as was Michelle. I asked Simran whether he was staying the night and whether he thought it might be unfair on me for him just to come and go as he pleases. He did not seem to get the point. Did he not consider to let me know in advance that he was staying? His response: ‘Well, I told Karaj at the weekend.’ I pressed him that I need to know, too, and he admitted that he should have informed me personally. Having made a valid point, I went back upstairs. I was far from calm. Moreover, Karaj had known all about it and had said nothing to me. Thanks.


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