My Battle Is With Myself

Thursday 2 October, 2003

Woke up with a stiff body from sleeping on the floor, and extremely annoyed. The exercises were very hard work to start with, but I stuck at it. I decided to go for a walk and left Karaj a note that we need to talk. I am annoyed with him, Simran, the work I do and the work he does. I walked and walked until I was calm. I wrote notes all the way as they came to me. With each note my head and body cleared itself. Two and a half hours later I was buoyant, determined and ready for the next phase.

The main reflections from my walk were as follows: [Looking back 11 years later and knowing what I know now, they seem unreasonable and immature, but it’s where I was at the time.]

  1. Karaj spends time scanning mushrooms (!) when we need to earn money. I am also sick of hearing at the beginning of each month that the statements need doing. They never get done. They have never been done since I stopped doing them and I have been prevented from getting involved with them ever since.
  2. He tells me that all the workshops will tell me the same as I find here. So why stay if I can find the same everywhere? In June he said I wouldn’t necessarily find the same if I were to leave, but then he uses the opposite argument for his purposes yet again.
  3. He is behaving just like my dad in saying If Jonathan goes I’m dead. Emotional blackmail. He added that those who have been close to him have gone (some have even died). So where’s my incentive to stay if it means death? And why can’t he look at his own script instead of distracting himself by telling others theirs?
  4. I am sick of his negative comments about people and the world. This is the man who says we have to live in the world; and just how is he doing it?
  5. He tells me to get away from ill people. So, what about the people here? They are the trustees of this house, and I am exposed to them all the time.
  6. My first ever question about Karaj was ‘If he is so good, why is his life such a mess?’ He talks more and more about the pain in his life and how he should be somewhere else but he is here, with ‘these people’. Again, he is just like my dad: his veneer is slipping as he loses his strength.
  7. Karaj was the one which brought the ceiling jack down on my head. He was also the one who was at the front of the fence panel we were moving which got stuck long enough for the other one to blow down onto my head.
  8. He said yesterday that what I am doing in my own unique way is okay. So let me be unique and stop moulding me to turn out just like him.
  9. In July he said I could go, and he gave me the distinct impression that I have learned enough about the fundamentals for me to be all right.
  10. Karaj is so often retrospectively correct; taking credit for ‘seeing’ things he didn’t actually see. Ishwar does the same. They are so so similar. Most of the time it is genuine, but other times it is obviously not, and hints at deception or covering up.

The following recommendations came out of those points.

  1. Karaj to spend one hour each day looking for work, outlining and planning the future of the work or working on his résumé. He and I can sit together and he can tell stories from his life to be inserted into the chronology of his life document.
  2. Timetable for the office for when people are going to be here.
  3. Regular meetings with Karaj.
  4. Karaj to be specific about what he wants from me and not just reel off a list of things which need doing. Karaj to keep his own to do list – he has been saying for months that he needs to start again – and inform me officially what he wants me to do. I have my own work to get on with. To have him walk into my office listing off things which need to be done and then spend his time scanning mushrooms is an insult.

Ishwar phoned to speak to Karaj. I told him how my mood changed over the course of my long walk and how I have been irritated by Simran and Karaj. Ishwar has the same problem: getting irritated by little things which can be sorted out easily with a mature attitude. Michelle arrived just as I was finishing so I left her to it and went back to work. More annoyance.

Summary: I began the day feeling fiercely annoyed. I worked through that on my own and came up with good ideas for discussion with Karaj, who has not been seen all day. Worked well throughout the day, and exercised well, too. Taking control of my life, I am seeing that maybe I can sort this out for myself. Feeling annoyed again at Michelle’s presence; and my mind is preparing another assault on me with more plans to get out of here. My battle is not with Karaj or Simran or with anyone else. My battle is with myself.


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