Taking Control & A Resolution

Friday 3 October, 2003

I must have slept well because I didn’t wake up once and never heard the alarm. I went for a short walk but could barely move. My back is stiff; but my groin is the worst. I can barely move my left leg. Walked off some of the annoyance. Returned to find Karaj not around for the second day running. Maybe he has been pushed into action just like me; that would be nice. Maybe he is sulking somewhere.

When Simran arrived shortly before 10:00, I took the bull by the horns instead of running away upstairs. I asked him what his plans were for the day. His voice was tentative. I told him so and said there was no need for it; he has been here enough to be in control. I read him my memo on office access and behaviour, and showed him the errors in his. He said my memo was fair comment.

Taking Control

I am feeling straighter and clearer (rather than devious and manipulative). I just need to remain calm when Karaj and I get together to sort all this out. I have worked really well these last two days and have not wasted a minute. I have released my emotions calmly and productively, achieved a great deal, and taken control of my life like never before. I sat and chatted with Simran. We talked about the importance and benefits of breaks and quickly got on to discuss working out formulae, macros and programmes to make analysis of to-do lists easy. I have been very straight with Simran today and it has been good.

The rest of the afternoon was taken up with preparations for the evening’s men’s group. Karaj told me to get the work ready for Leon’s son before the group began. He seemed on edge. I am not anxious about all of this like I used to be. I am more in control. I worked hard to get my records up do date so that I could help Simran with his work. I printed off the latest entries so I have evidence of how well I have worked these last two days and to make sure I have all my thoughts for Karaj. Prior to the group, I highlighted the thoughts I wanted to raise.

A Resolution

Men’s Group (Karaj, George, Leon, Simran, Dev, Calvin, Ishwar, Shona, Michelle, Priya and me.) The group began with Leon giving good feedback from his son about his time at the house. When I told Leon what his relationship with his son has done to heal my scars – to see what is possible between a father and a son – Karaj immediately knew that the issue between me and him was already over before it had begun. However, the first agenda item when Shona arrived was me. Karaj wanted to know what had been going on with me over the last few days. With clarity and a clear voice, I told him. However, the more I talked, the more my anger came out; only I couldn’t see it because I thought my clarity precluded any anger. Not so. Both were present. Because I was clear in myself, I was able to stand up for myself, but my anger tainted my arguments and made them ineffective.

Still, as the argument went on, Karaj said that we have to look at the contribution he has made to my life. It was here that I was clearer than ever. I told him how, last week when we had sat discussing my pain (without Karaj), the only thing which really touched my heart was when I spoke about what he has done for me. At that point, Karaj stood up from his chair, said something like, ‘And that requires what..?’, stood me up and hugged me like never before.

Love

There was none of the tentativeness as on the day he cried after we had recorded the chronology of his life. He then sat down and told people that all I am looking for is to be loved, because I have never been loved. I have no idea what it is like. He added that any plan for his challenge to me had to be abandoned when he saw this was the case. He told the Asians that it is their job to love me because that is what they have to give – love. He went further, telling them that when they try, I will do anything I can to make them angry.

Karaj continued, pointing out that maturity is about analysing the work I have done, looking at the progress I have made and extending it into the future so that I know what I am going to do and what I will achieve. I did not raise any of my questions and did not read my memo to people about the office. Karaj told me to read it to myself and consider that what I am saying to others is actually what I should be saying to myself. The group in their feedback confirmed that my anger was there and that I was responding from Child ego state. That does not mean to say that the clarity I have is not real. Then we took a break.

During the break, Karaj sat with me and told me he will never let me down and he will fight to keep me here because life outside is easy and within six months I’d be back to my old ways. I have chosen a hard path. That takes courage. Honour that in myself and ease up a bit on myself. Now I was feeling tired. I haven’t stopped for two days, fuelled by my own anger. Now that anger has been earthed, I have stopped and I am tired.

Be Quiet

We spent the rest of the evening looking at Leon’s assessment sheets for his ‘apprentice’ at work; Simran’s letter to his ex-wife (which was beautiful); a discussion of male and female characteristic; that Ishwar needs to recognise how feminine he can behave sometimes; and Calvin needs to address his training needs at work.

People left at midnight. Karaj, George and I chatted in the sunken garden. Karaj and George discussed the garden work and, after a short while, I left them to it.

I was preparing to go to sleep, when Karaj passed through. As he said goodnight he told me that, ‘Even in your argument you were complimenting me. Thanks.’ I had said that scanning mushrooms was a waste of his talents.

Summary: I was driven today. Full of energy and clarity. The exchange with Karaj and the hug earthed whatever force was driving me. He told me to be quiet and be with my feelings. I still have the clarity and will not be taken in lightly. I am considering everything but I am peaceful. It was nice to be quiet; must try it more often. I see the difference between when I need to speak and when I want to speak.


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