What’s With This Anger?

Saturday 4 October, 2003

I woke up and got ready for my walk: groin okay, back not bad, mind subdued. As I walked, only one thought came to me: What is the difference between being with my anger fully and holding on to it? And if I am with it fully will it drag me down?

Be Quiet. Be At Peace

Experiment in Self Healing Community (Karaj, George, Simran, Dev, Calvin, Ishwar, Michelle, Priya and me). I did not want to speak because I notice how it takes me out of where I am, but during Dev’s reporting I had to. I challenged him severely about failing to acknowledge my part in his week. I had told him to beware of his boss. I needed to say this because it had been critical to Dev’s week, but otherwise I am seeing how the impulse to speak is distracting me from how I am feeling.

Karaj talked about my writing and how there was no point in me pursuing it until I have experienced the truth. It will all be about pain until I am healthy and pain free. My thought was, ‘Okay, so I can’t do that either!’ I just have to find the truth, be free of pain, sit back, relax and be at peace. Karaj suggested that he would love to see the day where I sit back and get the others to write for me. We finished off with Dev’s to do list: he is doing well but he needs to ground himself when he is high.

Be With My Anger

We moved on to my anger question from this morning. The answer is this: If I am holding on to it, then it is obvious to those around me and it affects them too. To be with my anger, I need to look inside myself and look at the pain and blocks in my body. This made it very clear to me. I was being told to pay attention to my body. Ignore my mind; my body tells me what I need to know. Be with it, don’t analyse it, just be with it. I did just that and felt the anger in my stomach. Over the course of the day the pain would rise and fall, but it never went away. That is all I have to do.

During a break I talked to Dev about supporting each other. He and I have so much in common and we have to deal with an issue we both have: so much work, so little time. We need to relax and know that there will always be too much work to do. We can support each other in this, as in every other issue we have. Dev commented that we do exactly that when we are together at weekends, so why stop during the week?

I worked on Ishwar’s report to his boss. I had asked to work with Ishwar – we are both annoyed and irritated right now – because it’s easy. He is uncomplicated and good at his work, so his reports and memos are an easy process. This was no exception.

Progress Indeed

Marian arrived with her (and Simran’s) sons and we all sat together. She is a vibrant woman whose energy touches everyone she meets and whose commitment to herself and her sons has brought her success and achievement in the face of very difficult circumstances. Shona had baked a cake and Simran read his letter to Marian (with his younger son on his lap). It was lovely to have such openness in a family, after all that they have been through, and it brought forth a change in Simran which I have never seen: he was so much more relaxed, comfortable and natural in the presence of his sons. Well done. Marian thanked Simran for his words, and his elder son told him it was lovely to see him. Progress indeed.

Too Much Passivity

I paired up with Ishwar to work on his supervision notes. We worked well to complete the task. Next door Shona, Michelle and Priya were chatting and laughing. I was getting a little annoyed at it and wondered whether they had work to do. I left it for a while and then asked them if they were working? I was surprised at how my annoyance disappeared as I asked them. Michelle did what Ishwar does and said they were just thinking about doing their work.

In the break, I got annoyed at people’s lack of action. Dev called a break and I went up to wake Karaj. Someone had put the kettle on by the time I came down but no-one had bothered to wash any cups. People were just standing around and nobody had asked the women if they wanted drinks. I found myself doing it (should have delegated) and so I got annoyed.

Focus On The Vision

Back in the group, we worked through Ishwar’s documents, and spent a lot of time and energy telling him to focus on his project rather than being frustrated about his job. This is my issue exactly. Focus on my vision and forget the irritation. Karaj has told me this weekend to look at my vision afresh with the Englishmen (George, Leon, Calvin) and to know that my work here is all about the boring stuff: the admin, making sure the clients are fully provided for. No more, no less. Focus on that and leave the emotions because they will not get me anywhere.

The Inner Child

There was talk here of the inner Child. Ishwar needs to find his. His Child is lost and needs to be rediscovered because it carries the answers. The Child is instinctive and if I listen to my Child with my Parent part then I will hear what I need to hear; my Child will be heard and I will win.

Following one more break, we gathered again for the final agenda items. I was feeling very tired by this time. Karaj had said I could rest any time I wanted and I have become progressively more tired today, but I wanted to be here. We finished off the agenda items – Ishwar’s to-do list, George’s to-do list, Dev’s memos and Calvin’s preparation for his interview with the work panel. Calvin is anxious and it is getting tiresome. He knows he needs to have faith in this place. He knows (how) it works here, yet his attention is on his anxiety, which is one sure fire way to lose his job. He needs to be challenged regularly to get to the point. In front of the panel he must verbalise his situation; something along the lines of: ‘I am a slow thinker. I will not be responding immediately. You will have to be patient with me.

Karaj finished by telling Calvin and George that they, together with Leon, have to come up with a story to tell me (my Child). I do not need to work on my vision as he told me yesterday. My vision is clear: To find the truth. The Englishmen have to excite me with a story which they have made up of how I (my Child) will achieve my vision.

Touching Connections

I reflected again. The only thing I need to do (nothing else matters) is know that these people are my life. It does not matter that we go over and over the same ground. It really doesn’t matter. That is not the point. The point is, these people are all there is. That’s all there is to it. Simple.

As people left, every one of the men touched me with their goodbyes. Dev, patted me on the shoulder in a way that he has done before which says ‘I am right there with you, keep going.’ George hugged me and spoke German – as we so often do with each other now – in an appreciative, loving and very supportive way. Calvin hung on firmly to my hand and told me he will see me in the week. I felt the unspoken appreciation in his handshake. Ishwar told me to ring him and help him find his Child – a cry for help from a man who means every word he says. And finally, Simran and I hugged in a way which said, ‘After all we have been through, I am getting there. Thank you.’ Simran and I have been through a lot together and he  has maintained his commitment throughout all his mess. That contact with those men meant everything to me and that is why I stayed in their company today. A big part of me knows that they are there for me.

Summary: 1) The clarity of the anger seminar and the need to be with and listen to my body. 2) Being with the men instead of going for rest. These two things tell me almost everything I need to know right now. And if I have any doubts about whether we are making progress in our work, remember how Simran was this afternoon with his family. That’s progress. I have experienced things today which, if I can remember them when I’m low, will lift me.


Leave a Reply