It Could Be A Lot Worse

Tuesday 7 October, 2003

During my counselling appointment this morning, I talked about how I am trying to be with my body, the pain and the blocks, rather than with my mind. In talking, I hit upon the final piece in Saturday’s jigsaw. I had understood what Karaj said about the difference between being with and holding on to my anger, but I could not see how being with it would mean it is not visible to others. Now I do. When I’m with my body and the sensations, I’m not with my mind.

Therefore, the negative effect of my mind (with its emotional consequences) no longer exists. No attention to my mind means no negativity. No negativity, no anger. This means when I’m with my body, I’m not negative; so there are healing consequences for my body, too.

I rested for an hour in the evening. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer and my back was hurting. It is still seized up. This is the third day now, and today has been the worst of the three. It is tightening up more and more, but there are no real emotions attached to it. I have been here before and it will pass. Besides, given what I have written above, the pain is a huge reminder to be with my body rather than my mind.

Summary: I got a lot done but it feels like that isn’t the case. My back has weighed me down in more ways than one. Not only has it caused me pain, but it has cast a shadow over the day. It has actually been a good day. I retired early and felt a little irritated because the room where I sleep was full of everyone’s boxes – Karaj’s, Michelle’s, Ishwar’s – but the irritation was short-lived. This is my life right now and let’s face it, it could be a lot worse.


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