Negativity & Being Yourself

Wednesday 8 October, 2003

Karaj, Shona, Ishwar and I met to plan the day. We talked about being yourself – especially in other cultures – because if you try to be like others they will not trust you. I felt irritated at the start of this meeting. It seemed I was irritated with everyone, but I was irritated with myself. I was bashing myself up for going to bed early last night when I could have worked; and I was irritated because I wanted to sort my notes out for yesterday, which were all over the place. Add my pain (I trapped a nerve in my neck last night!), and the emotions are complete. The cherry on top is that I convince myself I am in the wrong and that Karaj will challenge me, especially about taking the whole day off this Friday. I nearly didn’t mention it, but did eventually, and everything was fine.

I had to keep going into myself to get away from the emotions. The subject matter helped here: be yourself. What do you want to say? What do you want to do? In the afternoon I felt uneasy and restless. I tried to be with my body but noticed how difficult it was to relax fully. (I cannot relax with myself!) Also, any thoughts I had usually ended in self-bashing or discounting myself; both of which were very subtle.

In the evening Karaj, Simran and I talked about negativity. Karaj has realised that there is too much of it around and that people attract it, are attracted to it, and cling to it so easily. It fills our bodies so no wonder we don’t get well. I asked Karaj about his negativity and how he moans about almost everything. He told me he is using the paradox to make a point, but he is actually a positive person. I told him I am a more positive person since being here, which was lovely feedback for him. Ishwar and Michelle joined us and Karaj talked about needing to be vigilant and careful in 2004. We will be doing well and will succeed, and one of us will fuck it up – negativity. Ishwar assumed it would be him. There is no need for that kind of negative assumption.

Summary: A good day for the accounts (they have never been so up-to-date.) Also, I am seeing acutely that any irritation I have is an indication that there is something in me. As a result, I am examining myself more than ever and it’s all done through looking inside, looking at my body. Simple and effective. I lay in bed and the negativity came. I relaxed when the thought came about how I have achieved my vision of working closely with someone in a field I was keen to learn something about. That was something I never really worked at; it just came along because I had asked for it. The same is true here. I have asked for things and somewhere I know I will get them, so relax. (It’s better that way.)


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