Decide What I Want & Follow It

Sunday 12 October, 2003

My first thoughts on waking were what a waste of my time and energy clubbing is; and I am not relaxed with who I am. My friends know what they want and they stand by what they say because that is a true reflection of who they are. But who am I?

I got up, packed and checked out. Sitting at the hotel bar, Ed and Peter were the first to leave. I wished I was leaving too. I have seen what I came here to see: that I am not into the same things as my friends, and now it is time to go. I also realised what I need to do to stop myself going down today: decide what I want from life every second. I have spent too long going along with others.

I began to relax a little because I had decided what I wanted: no more weekends like this. I love my friends but the time has come for me to admit that I don’t like what they like, stand up, and be strong about the disciplined life I would prefer to lead.

On the journey home I was quiet. I was tired and my back hurt. I arrived just as Karaj was leaving for London. I spent some time with the others (Simran, Ishwar, Calvin and Michelle) although I would rather have spent a little time alone with Karaj. I’d thought in the car that I wanted to be back here, but as soon as I arrived I saw that I didn’t.

I noticed the timetable of people’s attendance for the coming week. Karaj is making sure I am confronted with what annoys me most: people’s presence. They are going to be here more than ever this week. Interestingly, everything I wrote in my memo two weeks ago has come out of Karaj’s mouth since and has been instigated, yet Karaj discounted my ability to work through my anger and write a decent memo. Why do I bother?

I moved upstairs to rest, but my back pain refused to allow me any respite. Eventually, Simran called me down for supper. We chatted briefly about the weekend, but nothing of any interest. I remained fairly quiet. I am not long for this house. I returned upstairs and left the others to continue working.

Summary: A quiet day. I felt, low but my friends had shown similar feelings this morning. At least this weekend I have noticed that others around me are not entirely happy in their work and do not like Sundays; but they get on with it. I need to decide what I want, and follow it. Decide to stay or go. The pull to leave is getting stronger by the day.


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