Anger Where There Could Be Love

Monday 13 October, 2003

I read the letter written for me by Leon, George and Calvin. They are angry with me for not being here at the weekend. That’s how it really is here. We talk about love but all we concentrate on is negativity, and I am surrounded by it here. They tell me I am disrespectful for not informing them that I would not be around to receive the story they have written for me. It goes on to suggest that this place is the only place I can learn what I need to learn about myself. Bullshit. I learnt a lot from being with my friends for two days, which I would not have seen had I stayed here.

Originally, I came here to sort out the accounts, and my main complaint when I arrived was that people were not using Karaj fully. The accounts are very nearly done, and people are at the house more than they have ever been. In that sense, my work is over. As far as sorting myself out is concerned, if people want me to believe that the only place I can gain is here (when I know otherwise and Karaj tells me that wherever I go I will suffer), then I have learnt all I need to know here. What’s the point of staying? Karaj is not around to discuss this with and, strangely, I miss him. It made me think how much I will miss him when I leave. A lot probably.

After a late lunch, I rested. I began downstairs but when Ishwar phoned at 16.00 to leave a message for Simran who was on his way, I moved myself upstairs. I am not interested in having anything to do with anyone right now. Later, at yoga, I was more focused than normal because of a determination inside me to get away from the house.

Following yoga, I walked to the chip shop. Continuing on from Sunday, I am giving myself everything I want. Moreover, this means I do not have to eat downstairs with the others, or sit upstairs hungry because I am too stubborn to have contact with them. Everyone was there when I arrived back at the house (Michelle, Ishwar, Calvin & Simran). I greeted them and went straight upstairs to get on with the accounts, finishing at midnight. My current plan is to leave here in Spring 2004.


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