I Question Everything

Tuesday 14 October, 2003

Woke up and immediately felt shit at being where I am. Got ready and got out. At my counselling appointment I talked about last weekend not really being my cup of tea, and how none of my friends are that interested in what I am interested in: self development. My view is that they probably don’t need it. They are all pretty content with themselves. Although there is some dissatisfaction with some areas of their lives, they accept these as part of the deal, just as they accept the good as well as the bad in themselves and each other. Me, on the other hand, I question everything about myself and cannot rest until it is all sorted.

I am trying to get to the core of who I am. I know it’s there. I have felt it sometimes, but it’s covered by the conditioning the world has bestowed upon me. Anyway, what does it matter what others are doing or not doing? I have to be content with myself and the plain fact is that I am not.

I returned home thinking it is all over here. Nothing makes any sense any more. I feel used and no longer have any faith or belief in what goes on here. In the evening, during a break from the accounts work, I went downstairs to grab some fruit. Someone was just leaving through the front door. Otherwise there was no-one around. I thought to myself: there’s no use in telling Karaj what is wrong with me and how I feel about being here because he will say whatever is necessary to convince me to stay here.

That is what he told me 11 days ago. He also told the Asians that when they support me in giving me the love I am looking for, then I will do anything I can to make them angry. He told them this in the presence of the Englishmen too and yet, a week later, they are angry with me for not being around to receive their love in the form of the story they had written for me. So this is exactly what Karaj had predicted and yet I still receive an angry letter, whilst my memo goes ignored because according to Karaj it was written in anger. Even though, without realising it, he is following and implementing my memo to the letter.

Dev called and I told him where I am. It was an account filled with emotions, ending with the fact that I cannot handle this place anymore. He explained that this was the best thing I have said. It certainly made me feel better to admit that I cannot go on anymore. I would love to stay and grow here but I’ve had enough. Dev and I are so similar; he has been through this too, and is still around. However, all the people who have worked closely with Karaj have fucked off. Right now, I understand why. Dev said that when somebody asked Karaj on the day Arun left whether she would return, he had said ‘No’. This weekend, when Priya asked him whether I will stay, he said ‘Yes’. He has faith in me.

Summary: Kept out of everyone’s way today. That maybe somewhat childish but I have had enough of everyone here. A good chat with Dev and good work on the accounts. At least I still have the accounts to do. Need to talk to Karaj tomorrow about where I am.


Leave a Reply