I welcomed Simran, made tea for him and Karaj, and the three of us sat together. Karaj dictated a long letter to Michelle on her performance last night, detailing the thousands of pounds in costs from her messing around. He went on to say that the reason he is angry with me is that I do not see that we are tackling the negativity of the whole of society and the world itself.
Evidence Is Required
At various times throughout the day, Karaj and I chatted. He told me he had to let me run my racket this year so he can use what I have done as evidence to show me myself. He added that he ‘cannot work in this world, because it wouldn’t work. I have to find a way to succeed with the people I have around me. That’s why I was so angry with Michelle last night.’ Karaj said that at the confrontation meeting which is coming my way, ‘feelings will have to be aired, but if people want you out they need solid evidence as to why. Feelings are not good enough, even though everyone has every right to their feelings.’
The confrontation is the next stepping stone. The thing is, who will confront Karaj when his time comes? When he wants to leave, who will make him stay? He told me I am in the normal process of life and he has been waiting for this necessary part of the process: the confrontation. In fact, he has been wondering whether it would come at all because I am a nice bloke.
Commitment To Yourself
We talked further, moving on to my niceness and anger. Karaj has told me to be the manager from hell and today he remarked that I have not done that. I have tried to be nice and angry at the same time; a pointless combination because it means I was never fully either. Instead, I ended up being manipulative. We talked about me being stuck in the circle of:
- Karaj can’t tell me.
- I have to go through it.
- When he shows me, I say: ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Here, I feel stupid and as if Karaj is fucking with me, but the truth is,
- I wouldn’t have seen it anyway, and things would have turned out differently had Karaj tipped me off.
We talked more. I cannot see what’s in front of my face. Karaj: ‘That’s why you are with me. Look, we have nothing in common so why are we in this relationship. I will never forget why you first came to me even if you do?’ He continued, ‘You don’t need to sort it out,’ – the negative part of me – ‘it will happen as a result of your commitment to yourself.’
More conversation: the paradox. It felt very easy to talk to Karaj about all of this. I was straight with him – not emotional – and he confirmed, ‘It’s nice to talk to you.’ He added that when I live the paradox, the dilemma, I will find it hilarious. Paradox: I’m angry with him (Karaj) and I miss him. Both are true. Similarly, is he helping me or is he keeping me here? Karaj also told me he will challenge me in the future, and that he will tell me to leave. That’s how it will be and all I have to do is know that this is how it will be.
Reflection. I looked out of the loft window, as I had the other day. Same weather, same music. Something inside me tells me everything is okay. There is clarity and a hint of something from my early childhood: the comfortable contentment. Back downstairs, I pastimed with Dev, Priya and Ishwar, welcoming them as they arrived. It was how I used to be: serving.
Intuition & Instinct
Experiment in Self Healing Community (Karaj, Michelle, George, Priya, Ishwar, Simran, Dev and me). Karaj clarified my retrospective issue. (Karaj is so often retrospectively correct; taking credit for ‘seeing’ things he didn’t see.) We had discussed it this afternoon and he came back now for clarification. We talked about it, I explained further and he thanked me for making things clearer. Karaj then recounted the events of Wednesday night and said that the learning point for people is that even before I have received the letter I have sorted things out. Karaj: ‘He really is a jammy bastard. When I see Kuldip I will kiss his feet!’
Retrospection. Here we have a good example of what my mind would claim is a retrospective decision: Karaj said that he wanted to tell me to inform the whites that I would not be here for their story, but he didn’t. My mind says, ‘That’s easy for him to say now, but why didn’t he say something at the time…?’ Of course, he couldn’t and had he done so, I would not have gone through what has happened this week, and would not have learnt the lessons.
Karaj said that I need to go through my early appraisals and work through this retrospective issue, and talk to Karaj about it in front of George and Leon because of the English (Western) need for rationalising everything, rather than accepting instinct and intuition as reason enough. Also, ask why George and Leon are coming to see Karaj. My problem is that I am acting stupid, when I have evidence of my progress and success. Karaj added that my arrogance is a big problem: the Asians are doing well and I cannot handle it because I prefer to be around idiots where I am right (and clever etc.) Just like my father. I need to face this. He told others that I’m arrogant and ignorant; there is a world out there and I have no awareness of it. I need to deal with this.
George read the lyrics from, ‘A Boy Named Sue’. It is a song about a son’s hatred for his father for calling him Sue, until he finds out that the father did it to toughen him up. He knew he would not be there for him and this was the best he could do for him to prepare him for the harshness of life. The son’s hatred turned to love when he realised what his father had done for him. Just like me. This week I have been very angry at Karaj but now I am seeing what I already know – that he is doing what he does for my own benefit – and this includes not being able to tell me what or why. As in the song, I will thank him for it one day. Why not now?
It has been easy for me to talk with Karaj today and my lack of emotion has allowed us to bring clarity to an important issue. The whole day has been aptly concluded by George’s contribution. Priya touched me when she said that it has been good to be ‘home’ and she is glad to be here. Hearing this I realise what I do here and the impact I have on people. Moreover, it showed me that there is no more important job than allowing people to feel glad to be here. She added that is nice to see me back again and how natural and instantaneous my hospitality has been tonight. Simran echoed this in his feedback, saying that he had felt welcomed by me this morning. I have needed to see this impact through the contrast of being unfriendly, cold, callous and arrogant. Karaj finished by saying that our default setting is that everyone is okay.
Summary: A very good day. Spoke with maturity to Karaj about the issues I have with him: my anger and the one about retrospective declarations. Our conversations brought clarity to the issues for me and, as Karaj said, if he irritates me it is because I am already irritated. If I am straight and mature he will be correspondingly straight; and issues – no matter how tough – will be resolved. I am really seeing the effect I have on people when I am there for them and when I serve them. It is two years today since the operation and tonight people have been telling me I am back. That’s how it feels to me, too.