It Feels Like The End

Wednesday 22 October, 2003

I have been very tired recently and I have a short fuse with Karaj. My relationship with him is suffering from the fact that we live and work in the same house. After I had spent all day working on the latest accounts, he challenged me tonight about not trying to find him with Ishwar’s message about his father. Ishwar needs our support because his father has been taken ill again and I have let him down.

At that point I needed to get out. I walked to Swanshurst Park, lay on a bench for half an hour and tried to sleep, but it was too cold so I returned to the house. I realised that it’s not the others who bother me, that was clear from the feeling of togetherness I felt at the weekend. It’s Karaj. Just as he cannot stand to be around me, I cannot stand to be around him.

I contemplated what I will do in Germany, and the vision took shape very quickly. There were no specifics about the job I will do, but that does not matter. Life is boring and painful wherever I am and whatever I do. I see myself with my own flat, eating healthy food, living a quiet life of yoga and meditation, enjoying the delights of the German language and learning another language at night school. It feels so right. And more congruent with anything else I have had as my vision.

I got home at one o’clock in the morning and lay down in the cottage we had built in the garden, wondering what it would mean to leave here. It is no longer a daunting prospect but an inviting one. I fell asleep until 06.00, when I went back into the house and slept for a while longer on the sofa.

Summary: Feeling shit about my life, my circumstances, my job, my boss and my location. It’s time to move.


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