Take A Step & Keep Walking

Saturday 30 November, 2019

In August, after I wrote ‘We Are Wonderful…’, I thought I’d continue to write about the issues touched upon near the end of that piece. I haven’t. I did some writing, but none if it has appeared on this blog. Three weeks ago I wrote a companion piece, ‘Look After Yourself’, which brought me closer to where I stand today: facing the inevitability of needing (and wanting) to write, despite having little idea what I will discover.

It feels challenging. There is a heaviness there – something of the insurmountable. Plus, I don’t really know where to start. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last two months, so it’s been easy to put it off. But I can’t do that for much longer.

My lack of sleep is partly to do with the hypersensitivity born of having a young son in the house for the past couple of years; and partly to do with the anxiety I have about my work. At least, those are the explanations I give myself. It’s possible, of course, that my avoidance of what I need do to is more powerful than those two aspects combined. Highly likely, even.

Fortunately, there is another force at work, too. One which has been in the background for a couple of years now. The one which says to me, ‘Write whatever you want, regardless of what people will think.’ That prospect is both daunting and exhilarating. Limiting yet liberating. I’ve been putting that off, too.

So here I am, not knowing where to begin, how much courage is required, or where this will take me. But one thing I do know is that I have stood in this place before: in March 2000. That journey (and journal) changed my life forever. My advice, therefore, is the same as I offered a group recently when asked what they should write: ‘It doesn’t matter. Just make a start.’ Take a step and keep walking.

All this means that even though this blog post is still just a postponement of what I need to do, it is also a commitment and a motivation to explore. As such, it serves as a reminder that even though things appear one way at first glance, when we exercise our curiosity and imagination, and we relax into our own heart, we discover a new way of seeing: a more compassionate, considerate, creative way of viewing ourselves and our world.

It is a continuation of the many steps I have already taken, and the first step towards a new way of being.


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