In this review of 2020 it becomes clear that not only is there beauty in the detail, there is also release. The more we explore and examine what arises – and what often unconsciously drives our behaviour – the easier it is released. The year began in that vein, with two posts which sought to highlight the importance of making the most of whatever life and the body have to offer. It ended by applying the same tactics to finally put to rest all that had happened during my training days, 20 years earlier. Consequently, this post is also about seeing myself more clearly (than ever).

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In this post I take another look at my life according to three main areas of well-being: physical, mental and emotional. I last did this exercise nine years ago, and for the first time 11 years before that. The three posts, therefore, give the briefest snapshot-summary of the last 20 years. As well as a clear indication of my development, they offer proof of the benefit of writing things down because without my earlier notes it would be easy for me to dismiss, overlook, or twist any notion of progress.

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Another session of body work brought me closer to understanding what I need to be doing. Together with the Qi Gong practice, which is still more sporadic than regular, I am seeing – and more importantly, feeling – what it means to spend more time in my body and less time in my head. The difference is astounding and highlights how we are missing who we truly are, in favour of who we think we are. By connecting more fully with our body, we connect more fully with our world. Not only that, the body has a great deal to tell us. As she would later say, ‘The wisdom’s in the body.’

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This is the second assignment from the course mentioned in the previous post. The session itself was entitled, Navigating Uncertainty, and the main message of the lesson was not necessarily that we need take any action, nor that we can passively expect something to come our way, but that we are more likely to act ‘when we make peace with the truth‘. The assignment, therefore, was this:

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I somehow felt better in myself this morning. More relaxed. There are a number of contributing factors – it’s Friday, I’m free again today, and I wrote two posts yesterday – but my uplifted mood (in spite of my son being awake again at 05:30) had its roots in what happened in the night. Woken in the darkness by the pain in my left hip, I managed to inhabit the discomfort and relax into it, just as I do continually with the exercise. So not only did the echoes of this week’s discipline make it into my half-awake state, their resonance was solid enough for me to consciously apply the fresh experience of the past few days.

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Immediately after posting the previous piece, I took to my mat again. My body was just as stiff and painful as it has been for a few days now, but the same Qi Gong exercise turned out to be the easiest it has been so far. And when I opened my eyes, the clock read a very unexpected 25 minutes. Longer and easier than yesterday. Not only that, there had even been clear, slightly extended periods of peace, in which I felt almost pain-free. Those brief interludes were sufficient for it to seem as though I was actually lying down. That’s a big deal for me because lying down is the closest I ever get to being pain-free.

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I was already tired when I attended Tuesday’s Qi Gong class. I was in more pain than usual, too. I’d toyed with the idea of not going, but then I would still have to do my daily 25-minute exercise routine. The final decision to attend was made easier by the knowledge that I always benefit from the classes (very often in multiple ways). This time was no different. But it wasn’t easy.

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Continuing the theme of trust from the previous post, this one is the result of a conversation with the same friend who inspired the entries, Inhabiting The Silence and Relax Into (Your) Nature. Indeed, this entry is a repeat of what is written in that second piece, but it also goes a little further, suggesting that I allow a part of me to die whilst simultaneously enabling life to help me out.

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For a few weeks now, the pain of a swollen knee has induced a combination of caution and conscious, deliberate movement. More pain, for no obvious reason, and with no clear cause. It affected me mentally as well as physically, and although it has improved gradually, it’s still not quite right. Given what I wrote in the previous post, I have looked deeper to see if there is something I can take from the experience.

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The feedback was glowing. People felt safe, secure and comfortable in the workshop environment. They felt heard and able to contribute and connect. It was almost unanimously positive. Almost. There were a couple of comments which hinted at dissatisfaction or disappointment. Unfortunately, my mind locked onto those fair criticisms and wouldn’t let go. I wanted my work to have been beneficial for all. I had felt energised by every session and felt that everyone was really getting what it was all about. But here I was being told that it wasn’t the case. Some had taken less from the sessions than others.

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I had the distinct feeling that it’s all about using simple movements to learn to relax. Every slight motion reveals imbalances in the body. Standing still, seeking to let go in every instant and allow gravity to carry our weight into the ground, it’s noticeable how the body holds itself together unnecessarily. The Earth supports (and even nourishes) us, our skeletal and muscular system is designed to function to the highest degree, and yet we deem it necessary to introduce extra tension. As if letting go would cause things to collapse.

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Another workshop, another 4 hours spent concentrating on the body. Presence, was the first point on the flip-chart list. Another seven would appear during the course of the afternoon, as the teacher continually emphasised that it is not about the exercises. It’s about the work you do whilst exercising. It’s about alignment, stability and calm. And it’s about letting go. More words on the list – just a handful of many possible points of attention.

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Emergence is the name I was invited to give, to the paining a friend made, of a transformation she experienced, following a chat we had last week. Up until that video call we had never met or spoken to each other. We connected through a mutual friend, and spent the call exploring how we might facilitate each other’s process. A professional exchange, perhaps? She is a talented, intuitive artist who guides people through a programme of painting and drawing which, in her own words, ‘shows you the art of drawing yourself back to you’. She offered to introduce me to her world and asked what I might be able to do for her.

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At the start of this year, in the middle of Winter, I was committed to the realisation of the True Self – that which lies beyond the conditioned, worldly self. It felt as though, after all the self-development work I had done, I had the finish line in my sights and all I had to do was move deeper and deeper into the richness and beauty of spiritual freedom. Spring and Summer, however, brought inescapable insight, and as we approach the out-breath transformation into Autumn, things look very different.

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