Manual Intervention

Monday 16 April, 2001

06.00 E&M. The routine felt very good this morning – hardly any discomfort. As I got out of bed, however, the first thought I had was that I can’t do whatever I have to do today. I was shocked by the automatic nature of this thought and also by the fact that I didn’t even know what the day held for me.

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Stimulate Positivity

Thursday 29 March, 2001

Spoke to Karaj this morning. I failed to lay any foundations in Germany. This is not good enough. If I really want to get back there then I need to lay the foundations so that when the conditions are right, everything will fall into place. The fact that I have no idea how it is going to work is no excuse. All I need to do is talk to people. I was so preoccupied with my own expectations that nothing happened. A missed opportunity. Relax, forget the expectations and assumptions and concentrate on the laying the foundations brick by brick.

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Get the Foundations Right

Friday 23 March, 2001

Francis and I looked at some internet lectures and found a fascinating one about cosmic evolution. It all comes down to the ultra-early Universe. The conditions have to be right and it’s the quantum errors in the very early explosion of the big bang which eventually give rise to a non-uniform Universe in which life can proliferate. Get the foundations right and everything else will take care of itself.

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Contact Can Often Be Enough

Wednesday 14 March, 2001

Today I received a letter from Francis. It was a lovely letter. The dialogue continues [When I left Germany in 1999, Francis and I had agreed to maintain contact only through writing letters to each other]. He writes very well and makes some excellent points about life, about people and about himself. In his letter he asks me what I think about comparisons with other people. He couldn’t have asked a more pertinent or more relevant question. He loved the newsletter and was delighted to be a part of it. I put together a compilation of recent diary entries for Francis about making comparisons:

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Relax & Lighten Up

Thursday 1 March, 2001

6.05 Had to drag myself out of bed. My body ached, and the pain and tiredness tempted me to stay where I was. However, I exercised and felt much better afterwards. It has taken three days to make any sort of recovery from the weekend. The lethargy has been bad enough but the negativity was the real issue. Today I feel much better about everything. I am not as tired as I have been, I feel physically stronger and I am not torturing myself mentally with all the comparisons which have been going through my head over the last few days. In a way, the comparisons seem to have been occurring at a background level – gnawing away at me without me realising. There were clearly times when I was consciously deliberating over the differences between me and my friends, but even when I caught myself and tried to stop comparing, there seemed no respite from the trickle of negative feelings which occupied me day and night. Comparisons really do cause me problems.

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We Are All Unique

Wednesday 28 February, 2001

Went dancing last night and came away from the evening with renewed positive energy. As Karaj says, the main problem people have is being positive about themselves when they are negative. When we are down we need to interact in a positive environment, and that’s what happened at dancing last night. I wasn’t going to go at all until Karaj suggested that it was just what I needed. It has made a difference because, although I am still tired, I am not nearly as negative as I have been over the past couple of days.

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Stop the Comparisons

Tuesday 27 February, 2001

6.20 A short program of exercises. Somehow I feel even more tired today than I did yesterday. I cannot concentrate very well – my mind is eating away relentlessly at the confidence I have built up in myself. I am still feeling negative about my life. It was great to see my friends at the weekend but I cannot stop comparing myself to them. I wonder why they are friends with me when I am not like them and offer little of what they seem to be looking for – I am failing to see the beauty of diversity.

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I Am Where I Need to Be, Always

Monday 5 February, 2001

Got up at 6.45am and exercised for 30 minutes, had breakfast and made my way to the house. Last night I saw some swans on the TV and lamented that there are none on the lake I pass by every day.  I remembered my time in Frankfurt, my walks along the river near my flat and the joy I experienced every time I stopped to watch the ducks and the swans.  As I walked through the park this morning there were two swans on the lake.  I don’t recall ever seeing them there before.  Whilst I do not consider this to be a misuse of psychic energy, it is a lesson on the sensitivity of the universe.  I had not expressly wished for swans but my thought pattern was enough to produce them – so, be careful what you think.

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Drawn Into Gossiping

Friday 3 November, 2000

Yesterday evening, whilst exercising, I felt a twinge in my lower back similar to the ones I used to have some months ago. This one wasn’t too serious but I felt as though I had overdone it this week with my evening exercises and resolved to take it easier.

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The Mind

Thursday 24 August, 2000

Three topics so far this week have given me much to think about: Patience, Comparisons and the Mind.

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Patience & Comparisons

Tuesday 22 August, 2000

After yesterday’s talk with Karaj, my thoughts have been with the ideas of patience and comparison. I compare myself to others. My weekend in Brighton was spent with many good people and for me, comparisons are inevitable. Some seem more mature than me, funnier, more relaxed with themselves, better off, more secure, more confident, more dynamic, more assertive, friendlier, more sociable, more in control, with greater self-assurance and more genuine.

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Not My Best Day

Wednesday 5 July, 2000

Three days ago I returned from my holiday in Frankfurt. I had a great time. Now, back home, I feel down. I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t think I would feel this bad. I feel as though I’m back to square one. After my experience at the bank last week I feel as though I can never go back. It was as if all my worst fears were confirmed. I’d been right all along. It’s not for me.

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Where Am I?

Tuesday 11 April, 2000

This is where I am now; a reference point from which I can chart my progress:

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