Desperate To Belong

Tuesday 19 August, 2014

We talked into the early hours of the morning, and he explained to me how I am torn between my need to belong and my desire to go my own way. For years I have been frustrated by the world and my place in it, feeling that if only the world were more like me, then I wouldn’t have to struggle in isolation. In my moments of clarity I reprimand myself, saying it’s my problem, not the world’s, and that if I really had the courage of my own convictions I would stride on down my chosen path, without the need for the world to come with me and keep me company.

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The People We Meet

Sunday 8 June, 2014

They say true wealth is measured not by money, but by how much time we have to do whatever we like. Similarly, we can measure how congruent we are by the people in our lives and the people we meet. This post is a comment on the fact that the people we meet are a reflection of ourselves. They are signposts informing us where we are in life; and our connection with them helps to shed light on whether we should continue on our particular path or make changes. In addressing this, I make a distinction between two environments: one which served me well but was not my goal; and one which brings more harmony.

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Making Everything Conscious

Tuesday 11 February, 2014

Late last night we found the final piece of the jigsaw. It took us an hour to get there and was triggered by a line in the previous post, about which I was not satisfied. By the end of our conversation, that line had been changed and both Karaj and I had gained insight into who we are. We had moved knowledge of ourselves from our unconscious into our conscious awareness.

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Negativity & Being Yourself

Wednesday 8 October, 2003

Karaj, Shona, Ishwar and I met to plan the day. We talked about being yourself – especially in other cultures – because if you try to be like others they will not trust you. I felt irritated at the start of this meeting. It seemed I was irritated with everyone, but I was irritated with myself. I was bashing myself up for going to bed early last night when I could have worked; and I was irritated because I wanted to sort my notes out for yesterday, which were all over the place. Add my pain (I trapped a nerve in my neck last night!), and the emotions are complete. The cherry on top is that I convince myself I am in the wrong and that Karaj will challenge me, especially about taking the whole day off this Friday. I nearly didn’t mention it, but did eventually, and everything was fine.

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Taking The Challenge Responsibly

Wednesday 4 December, 2002

Karaj and I talked about the differences between men and women. We talked about my dad and how he gave me no parenting and even competed with me when I was fifteen: I was sad about my relationship which had ended, and he was having a breakdown about his. We also touched on the charming behaviour I have from my Granddad. And we talked about Karaj’s assessments; they come from feelings. He uses feelings appropriately.

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More Congruent

Saturday 30 November, 2002

During this last week, I gradually became more congruent. Back home on Monday, after a weekend with my friends in London, I started to bash myself up for not being more sociable with them. I am being too harsh and too exacting with myself because I was sociable. Nonetheless, I felt very low as I reflected on my life and how I seem to be good for nothing. Why do I do this to myself?  Talked to Karaj about my attitude towards women. He tells me I hate them. He has told me this before and I have accepted it, but now I need to take it on board. Together with the comments I found in the weekend’s summary that things got done more effectively because I was not around to cause confusion, I wonder whether I am of any use at all. A very negative day today. Thoughts of leaving are the only way to stay sane at the moment.

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Congruency, Conclusion & Celebration

Sunday 2 September, 2001

I woke up feeling a little negative. I did not give Karaj his wake up call and received a bollocking for it. I had brought it on myself. Ishwar had even reminded me but I had decided to allow Karaj a lie in. Who am I to believe I know what other people need?! All I need to do is do my job. The women were just finishing their early-morning session as we went in. We took a break – this served to reinforce the need for procedures – and then Dev went ahead with his assessment of the feedback from the success stories. This time there was no problem with hearing and understanding his words.

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Undermined By My Own Script

Thursday 30 August, 2001

I woke up and went for an early morning swim in the pool. I cracked my head on the side and needed two stitches. This made me think: why have I done this to myself? As Ishwar pointed out, all the positive feedback I received on my birthday yesterday has gone straight to my head. As I sat at the doctor’s I began to acquaint myself with a hitherto unrecognised negative side of myself, which clearly exists and exerts itself when things are going well, in an effort to prove that I am no good.

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An Intense Week Begins

Wednesday 29 August, 2001

The room had not been prepared for us. Karaj put me in control and told me what to say and how to say it. I needed to be firm, but with his sideline coaching I found it difficult to relax and be effective. I sorted things out in the end with a combination of Karaj’s methods and my own ability. I was not as unreasonable as Karaj would have been, but it brought home to me the fact that I am not Karaj and never will be. I have a different approach to such situations and all I can do is to go with that approach and incorporate Karaj’s techniques where I can.

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