Already Perfect

Wednesday 19 April, 2017

Why is it that when I begin something, or even just contemplate beginning something, my mind immediately turns to thoughts of perfection? TA theory points to my Be Perfect driver saying that, having examined my world at an early age and considered how I could best secure the love, care and attention we all crave, I drew the following conclusion: if I do things perfectly I will be loved.

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Friday 29 April, 2011

In Transactional Analysis, ‘drivers‘ are the behavioural patterns we unconsciously and repeatedly fall back on, particularly in times of stress. They are the elements which drive our behaviour.

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Despite My Tiredness

Tuesday 29 July, 2003

Karaj suggested I not be around for the Wednesday Group (WSG) because of Harriet. She will be challenged and may well try to score points, or get me to rescue her, or whatever.

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Prepared the house and garden for the women’s group. I have no interest in having women here today. I feel short-tempered when I think about it. I don’t want to be around them or anywhere near them. Dev and I sat in the sunken garden and I verbalised this to him. I immediately felt better. The thing is, I know I can deal with the situation when it is there. Dev and Ishwar put the large umbrella up in the sunken garden, I took a call from Dania, prepared the letter to send by registered post to Robert, and Karaj and I went to pick Dania up from the coach station.

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Be More Forceful

Sunday 15 September, 2002

Karaj and I chatted about me creating my own space away from him over the next 4-5 years. This means I am fully in charge and can create my own destiny. Right now I am where I was at the bank, setting myself up to leave. Through intense challenges I will become my own man. Worse challenges will come from the group as they harangue me. Don’t personalise the challenges, take them as opportunities.

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Just Follow Procedures

Wednesday 14 August, 2002

Exercised well again today, but the relaxed nature of the afternoon showed me my guilt. Somewhere I have the belief that work, achievement and results require effort and that I should feel guilty for taking things easy. And I do feel guilty. On the other hand I want a simple life and the sort of situation I had when I learnt German: to be immersed in something so I learn without realising it. In my work here I have both of these: the hard work which Karaj is always talking about and the relax command. Take it easy, just follow procedures and changes will occur.

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So Easily Sucked In

Wednesday 10 July, 2002

Shona phoned me to say that she would not be planting flowers today as we had agreed to do together. She was very apologetic and this took me back. It was as if she was letting me down, which was not the case. In the end, when she said, ‘I will do it’, I found myself saying, ‘Make sure you do’. I had become the unwitting persecutor of someone who had so obviously placed themselves in the victim position. When I told Karaj this he explained that this is what Shona does.

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Preparing The Contracts

Saturday 6 July, 2002

I woke up looking forward to the day. It felt like a special day for some reason. Harriet and Priya were late and I realised what I had done. Although I had told Harriet it was a 09.00 start when she phoned yesterday, my please others (driver) had reacted to her gasp by telling her it was okay if she turned up at 11.00. At the time I thought nothing of it. I always do this! I give people news they perhaps don’t want to hear, my please others driver then softens the blow, but it is only meant for that instant because I still expect them to follow my initial instructions. When Harriet was not at the house on time it told me how serious this issue is for me. There is no clarity with such mixed messages and as such I cannot be trusted.

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What About What I Want?

Saturday 1 June, 2002

My thoughts started to get negative today as I saw just how ‘please others’ I am. I go along with whatever’s going on around me rather than influencing it any way. This applies to the verbalisation too, or rather a lack of it, as I keep on keeping things to myself. The Please Others driver always takes me into a position of trying to see both sides, which is why I accept people’s words so easily. What is my position? It’s the original question from all those years ago, and I still haven’t answered it. Also saw my lack of discipline; where are the exercises, and what about what I want to do? I defer too quickly and easily. It’s time to take this opportunity fully and take ‘risks’. That’s what I told myself today. Grow up.

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Look At What I Want Before I Move

Thursday 16 May, 2002

In this morning’s conversation with Karaj about the Manchester trip it came up that I have not been certain about going. Compare the certainty I have with trips to Germany. My please others driver needs to be addressed. What I have done with this trip – and I do it all the time – is split myself between trying to please two or more parties, without any consideration for what I want.

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Massive Potential

Friday 8 February, 2002

07.30 E&M 30 mins. Sunil arrived this morning in a delicate state after last night. I sat quietly with him. In the adjoining room Karaj was speaking with Harriet and I overheard him say that he wants me to reach the point where he and I are equal and I can do what he does. I have skills regarding the German language and culture which we can use to work with Germans – something which both Karaj and I will relish. I felt very encouraged by these words and not at all overawed. For the last month or so I have started to feel my potential and it is massive.

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The Effectiveness of Feedback

Saturday 15 December, 2001

I arrived at the house feeling tired and stiff. Together we (Karaj, Robert, Kuldip, Dev) finished the conservatory roof and tidied the house and garden in preparation for the women’s group. The presence of a tight deadline meant I had to curb my ‘be perfect’ nature. It felt liberating to do so. Also, it was important to me that everything be done before the first woman arrived. Karaj has always said that there is no need for people to see how we work and I understand that now. We succeeded.

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Isolation, Withdrawal & Opening Up

Saturday 24 November, 2001

My back felt a little better this morning and I resolved to take it very easy but not to hang around at home for too long. My priority was to get to Sunil’s flat come what may. I phoned Calvin to see what he was doing and we met at the train station and travelled together to meet up with Dev, Robert, Leon and Kuldip who were already working hard finishing the painting of the flat.

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Appropriate Perfectionism

Monday 10 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 25 mins. My back and sciatica are causing me pain. It’s the same problem as before: left piriformis and nerve pain in the left leg along with stiffness around the base of the spine. I arrived at the house feeling subdued about all the work I had to do. On top of that I have my usual issue with my appraisal – I’ve got to get it all down on paper and I still doubt my ability to do so to my own satisfaction.

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