We All Need Attention
Monday 8 September, 2014
We yearn for attention because we need it. As social animals, attention, acknowledgment and physical contact are fundamental to our development and continued health. Yet most of us have no idea how important our need is, nor how strongly it affects us. Studies of people’s brains in fMRI scanners have shown that (social) rejection affects the same part of the brain associated with physical pain, which is why solitary confinement in prisons is such a bleak and damaging punishment. It hurts to be excluded and ignored, and we are likely to do whatever is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Manipulative Behaviour
Monday 14 November, 2011
This post looks at some of the degrees of manipulative behaviour we exhibit in our everyday interactions, the comments we make, and the strategies we use; all of which are devised to elicit particular responses, which perpetuate the psychological games (TA) we play.
The Karpman Drama Triangle
Thursday 28 July, 2011
This is a beautifully simple tool which helps to highlight the kind of manipulative interactions (games) which occur on a regular basis, whether consciously or unconsciously. It looks like this:
Time Structuring
Thursday 7 April, 2011
This is how Transactional Analysis defines our use of time. It is an example of the simplicity of TA because whatever we are doing, it falls into one of only six categories. More importantly, knowing that these steps form an effective social procedure and that each of the first four elements is necessary for constructive, engaging interactions, will improve how we relate to each other and create more effective connections.
I Wish I Could See What He Sees
Wednesday 16 July, 2003
Karaj: ‘You have to keep on giving and know that your environment is a reflection of yourself.’ I met with Calvin prior to his social services complaints mediation meeting. In the meeting I took notes as usual and the complaints were sorted to Calvin’s wife’s satisfaction.
He Doesn’t Waste A Second
Sunday 8 June, 2003
Supervision (Karaj, Priya, Dev, Simran, Shona). Karaj told everyone that they do not meet the minimum standard to work with him and that, if he moves on, he is taking me with him. He also commented that ‘the other negativity this past week has been Priya.’ In her feedback Priya realised that she disappears very quickly in her head, just like Ishwar. Calvin phoned with his weekly report. He felt good as a result of writing things down: ‘I didn’t realise I had done so much.’ Exactly.
Serving Others
Sunday 27 April, 2003
The five of us sat together once Dev, Simran and Kuldip had arrived. As Karaj highlighted yesterday, the Asians in the group are a gift. They have given me a perspective on relating to white people. It’s so much easier now. When Karaj and I go out into the world people will be equally difficult to communicate with so I need the practice, because I cannot afford to react emotionally in such situations.
No Stone Left Unturned
Thursday 24 April, 2003
The following comments have been taken from the last 11 days of notes. They highlight how challenging the environment has become. Every little transgression or miscommunication is being challenged; every emotional response is a signpost to a pattern of behaviour. There was no hiding place for anyone and it was precisely this approach which meant that, if we wanted to expose our conditioning and behaviour in order to be able to face it head on, no stone could be left unturned.
So Easily Sucked In
Wednesday 10 July, 2002
Shona phoned me to say that she would not be planting flowers today as we had agreed to do together. She was very apologetic and this took me back. It was as if she was letting me down, which was not the case. In the end, when she said, ‘I will do it’, I found myself saying, ‘Make sure you do’. I had become the unwitting persecutor of someone who had so obviously placed themselves in the victim position. When I told Karaj this he explained that this is what Shona does.
How I Manipulated Everyone
Sunday 7 July, 2002
I tried to print out my vision statement from 9th May this morning but the printer just kept throwing out pages of nothing. I had read it and discounted it, believing it to be insufficient and sub-standard. This would pave the way for behaviour which Karaj described as brilliant because I managed to suck my entire team into believing that I had no vision. It was a convincing performance because I was convinced that I had no vision. I felt the vision I had was not good enough. There, again, is my trait of putting myself down. Cut this out.
On The Edge Of A Breakthrough
Saturday 23 March, 2002
07.55 E&M 30 mins. I felt tired, in pain, and resentful. The pain was caused by my back – after yesterday’s physical work my pelvis has sprung back to its unbalanced position which is both depressing and uncomfortable. The resentment is the same as it always is when I feel it. I cannot seem to get on top of it and it causes me to become irritable, argumentative and fall into my fuck-you attitude, the ultimate conclusion to which is to throw everything into the air and walk away.
Emotional Games
Sunday 17 March, 2002
Karaj told me that everything will come together for me in about five years’ time. It’s just like it was learning German, just a little tougher – this is life.
Keep On Trying
Thursday 21 February, 2002
07.00 E&M 50 mins. Started the day with the feeling I’d done something wrong. The reason for this is because I am not being straight with people when I know that’s exactly what I should be doing. I try to be polite with people and end up being manipulative (game playing), instead of being straight with them.
Communicate Feelings
Wednesday 23 January, 2002
06.35 E&M 70 mins. Kuldip phoned this morning and I did not know what to say to him. I didn’t want to speak to him and when he told me he is missing the group and wants to get together with us, I felt like telling him straight that he had his chance and he messed it up time and time again. I said nothing because I wasn’t sure whether I would be getting involved in a game of some sort, like giving him the bashing he was looking for. I checked it with Karaj afterwards and he told me that I should have communicated how I was feeling.
