Communicate Feelings

Wednesday 23 January, 2002

06.35 E&M 70 mins. Kuldip phoned this morning and I did not know what to say to him. I didn’t want to speak to him and when he told me he is missing the group and wants to get together with us, I felt like telling him straight that he had his chance and he messed it up time and time again. I said nothing because I wasn’t sure whether I would be getting involved in a game of some sort, like giving him the bashing he was looking for. I checked it with Karaj afterwards and he told me that I should have communicated how I was feeling.

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My Life is On Track

Saturday 12 January, 2002

06.40 E&M 55 mins. At first, my negativity took hold, induced as it was by the stiffness of my back and the looseness of my spine and pelvis – there were all sorts of clicks with each movement. However, by the end of the exercises, I felt solid and alive. A great start to the day. With respect to the negativity about the exercises doing no good – get out of this immediate judgement – my life is a long-term project, so relax because it is the discipline which is important. Everything else will work out as a consequence of my discipline.

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Passion With Detachment

Saturday 8 December, 2001

Men’s group. Earl started off with a question about passion with detachment. He did his usual trick of discounting himself, saying that if his question isn’t relevant then he can bring it up later. The thing is – and this is always the case – whatever subject or issue is raised, everyone benefits. I have lost count of the time that people’s own agendas have been sorted without them having to raise their issues because their answers have come from someone else’s issue.

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A Quick & Effective Goodbye

Monday 14 May, 2001

06.00 E&M 60 mins. Meditation consisted of falling asleep in the bath. The late nights and early mornings are catching up on me. Out on the balcony after our last breakfast together I took one last look at the seagulls gliding overhead. I was reminded of the feeling I had as a child whilst spending the weekend with dad at my Gran’s. I used to think that being a bird would be better than being me because they don’t have any problems. [Karaj: Birds don’t have any problems? Kids throw stones at them, cars run them over and some people eat them.]

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Relax, Enjoy Yourself

Thursday 3 May, 2001

06.30 E&M 60 mins. I found it difficult to get up this morning and I felt demotivated during the exercises. I wonder how it is possible to achieve consistency in my life such that even the minor fluctuations are ironed out.

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Different Ways of Supporting Each Other

Saturday 21 April, 2001

07.00 E&M. I felt anxious this morning because it was clear that we were not going to leave for the house as early as I had wanted. My anxiety turned to frustration with Dev and Robert until I realised that it had all been brought on by my failure to verbalise my desired departure time to them. As we arrived at the house, Leon was already there, as were Sunil and Earl.

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Walking His Own Path

Thursday 28 December, 2000

I return home today.  At the airport I said goodbye to Andy and to Kevin.  I had given Andy a couple of opportunities to get out of coming all the way to the airport – mostly because of my uncomfortable feelings about goodbyes – but he was adamant and stayed to see me all the way through passport control.  It has been a while since someone saw me off properly and as we waved to each other until the last possible moment I glimpsed the sensitivity of my brother which is normally so well hidden.  The negativity and cynicism serves to protect him from being hurt like he was when he was a child.  It saddens me because he is such a wonderful person, yet most people only see his temper and frustration.  In his cynicism he is very funny but I cannot help thinking that a part of him is crying out to be released – to be allowed to surface and flourish.  I am tearful.

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Verbalise My Feelings

Wednesday 6 December, 2000

Spent the afternoon preparing to put a whole in a wall with Karaj. Both of us felt fairly irritated this morning but, as usual, a little bit of manual labour sorted us both out. In the feedback session afterwards Karaj explained to me how important it is to verbalise my feelings. We talked about Monday’s session during which I said that I would prefer to continue with the work when we had more time.

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Training Day: Games & Drivers

Saturday 30 September, 2000


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Questions & Answers

Thursday 15 June, 2000

[This entry raises three questions or points which I noted on this day during my stay with Francis. On my return I discussed them with Karaj and the answers are my notes based on those conversations. The second answer may seem somewhat harsh, but the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Especially when we assume that love is the primary intention.]

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Unconscious Games

Monday 22 May, 2000

Samantha phoned twice while I was away so I phoned her back last night. She wants to see me and for me to talk to her so she can listen. Changes don’t happen that quickly and it will be difficult for me to talk to someone who doesn’t usually listen to me.

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Further Evidence of Change

Tuesday 16 May, 2000

Samantha phoned me last night. She’d had one of those melancholy days and she missed me. She cried. I handled the situation well. I did not get drawn into reassuring her and that helped me to stay emotionally secure. The truth is, she has had plenty of opportunities to be with me, to listen to what I have to say and to get to know me. It may be that yesterday she realised what she had missed and regretted not making more of the chances she had. I told her I have had many days like that but now I’m trying to sort my life out.

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Becoming Aware of the Games

Friday 5 May, 2000

In a heavy meeting with Kuldip, Karaj showed us how Kuldip and Samantha both suck people into their games, and how Samantha confuses me, leaving me wondering what on earth’s going on.

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Silent, Attentive & Aware

Tuesday 14 March, 2000

My relationship with Samantha has provided me with a great opportunity to develop. Certain things have happened which have caused me to react. The important change has occurred in how I react. In the past I would have tried to rescue, or at the very least reassure her, which would have resulted in my own persecution (see, ‘The Karpmann Drama Triangle’).

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