This is the final regular post for a while. It is time to take another break from writing, and the events of the last few months have provided an ideal place to rest. Here, I wrap up the recent conversations I have had with Karaj which have generated 10 of the last 13 posts. Hopefully, the reader is left with the feeling that it’s possible for all of us to create a place of love, trust and truth in our lives: a sanctuary for ourselves and others. That’s what Karaj succeeded in doing, even though our evaluation of those early years repeatedly pointed to chaos, confrontation and adversity; and even something akin to failure.

Read the rest of this entry »

This piece explains the insight which allowed Karaj to put to rest years of work, and so bring our 20-year story to a satisfying conclusion. At the same time, it is a both an acknowledgement of how difficult it can be to do the things we know we need to do, as well as a reminder that what’s required to find a way through are qualities such as determination and clarity, vulnerability and love… and patience.

Read the rest of this entry »

I left on New Year’s Eve 2003, and it has taken almost 17 years to complete something I had no idea needed completing. This post is about completing the cycle of friendship which began with my curiosity and his guidance; my desire to learn and his willingness to show me. What I didn’t realise at the time was that the main reason our friendship has been so effective, is that it was underpinned from the very start by love.

Read the rest of this entry »

I got married last month, and two days prior to the wedding I spoke with Karaj. He told me that our conversations over the preceding weeks had finally laid to rest the events of our early work together. He remains a master at reflection, not letting up until he feels the breakthrough, and it was the culmination of the deep analysis he has driven since 2014 that led him to declare the matter closed. My immediate thought was about about my wedding and something he taught me about the timing of breakthroughs and major insights.

Read the rest of this entry »

In this post I take another look at my life according to three main areas of well-being: physical, mental and emotional. I last did this exercise nine years ago, and for the first time 11 years before that. The three posts, therefore, give the briefest snapshot-summary of the last 20 years. As well as a clear indication of my development, they offer proof of the benefit of writing things down because without my earlier notes it would be easy for me to dismiss, overlook, or twist any notion of progress.

Read the rest of this entry »

Another session of body work brought me closer to understanding what I need to be doing. Together with the Qi Gong practice, which is still more sporadic than regular, I am seeing – and more importantly, feeling – what it means to spend more time in my body and less time in my head. The difference is astounding and highlights how we are missing who we truly are, in favour of who we think we are. By connecting more fully with our body, we connect more fully with our world. Not only that, the body has a great deal to tell us. As she would later say, ‘The wisdom’s in the body.’

Read the rest of this entry »

I had a conversation with Karaj about the previous post. We talked about love and he told me to focus on nothing else. For a day or two afterwards, I was left with a profound connection to a love which I have never fully embraced, nor nurtured, nor deliberately explored. His message was that I should acknowledge that I am deeply loved, and that I need to see more clearly what is always there.

Read the rest of this entry »

The story I wrote about in Finding Common Ground was influenced by two things: something I tell my three-year-old regularly, and something about the polarity of argument I have learnt from Charles Eisenstein. This post is about the former. It’s a record of how saying the same thing over and over again came to influence my response to anger. My response was not to defend myself, nor to hit back, nor bite the other person as most toddlers do at some point in their development. It was to come from a place of love, because that is what I want for my son.

Read the rest of this entry »

For the first time in 16 years, the three of us sat together and chatted. We hadn’t spoken in this constellation since I left my work with Karaj on New Year’s Eve 2003. I was struck by how much neither of them had changed. It made me think that maybe I hadn’t changed either. Had all the work we did during those intense years been for nothing? It was only a fleeting thought because I know that I am different to how I used to be. I know I have improved in ways I would not have been able to, had I not spent the four years with Karaj and the others.

Read the rest of this entry »

What if you abandoned everything you thought you knew, relinquished your beliefs, and became more acquainted with not-knowing? It’s not a commonly expressed idea, but every time I hear it, it stands out, offering an enticing alternative to our conditioned way of life. It’s a sanctuary, but we treat it like a taboo because from a very early age we fear being mocked or punished or disadvantaged if we don’t know.

Read the rest of this entry »

The world is increasingly in lockdown and life as we have hitherto known it is breaking down, yet my recurring thought amongst all the fear and uncertainty is that transformation often comes through suffering. The potential for change is always there, awaiting action or awareness, but as long as we’re comfortable nothing is likely to change. The pain wakes us up and motivates us to move. It screams at us that this cannot be the only way.

Read the rest of this entry »

I was already tired when I attended Tuesday’s Qi Gong class. I was in more pain than usual, too. I’d toyed with the idea of not going, but then I would still have to do my daily 25-minute exercise routine. The final decision to attend was made easier by the knowledge that I always benefit from the classes (very often in multiple ways). This time was no different. But it wasn’t easy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Scrolling through the blog archive, I came across an entry called ‘It’s What You Say, Not How You Say It’. It addresses a small element of a much broader experience highlighted by Karaj during an intense day of forensic feedback. I remember the lesson well and the title is correct, but every time I encounter it, I am always left questioning whether the elements of that line should be reversed.

Read the rest of this entry »

I began this review of 2019 with the impression that my resolution from last year had not lasted long. The more I reflected, however, the more I saw that its thread ran through the whole year. Let go. Be empty. That had been the commitment. The reason I couldn’t see it was because my original focus lay too deeply in the extreme of that idea; in the ultimate, spiritual conclusion of emptiness and non-attachment. Lofty goals indeed, and needlessly ambitious because, firstly, I’m far from ready for such a state. And secondly, if it happens at all, it comes through doing the small stuff daily.

Read the rest of this entry »