I attended a friend’s wedding last weekend. She’s an old friend, so there were others there too, all of whom I have known for nearly 30 years. Some of my closest friends were present and I was naturally delighted to see them, but I was also struck by how appreciative I was of people I had not seen for a decade or more. There is an obvious maturity about our connections, and to spend such quality time in the company of people who have grown together and aged well, but who in many ways have not changed at all, somehow served as recognition of my own self.

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What follows is a list of many of the most important pieces from this blog. The list makes it easy for you to understand at a glance what is necessary in this work. It takes you through the process of self-development and self-realisation – from awareness, observation and reflection, and back to awareness – offering you guidance on what to expect along the way and what you can do to help yourself.

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One common and understandable conclusion we draw in this work is that ‘If I work hard enough I will rid myself of the issues I have. One day, I will no longer feel anxious or angry, and I will stop wishing the world were different.’ I used to look forward to a time when all my problems would be solved. I used think I would wake up one day and be different because the painful parts would be gone and the struggle would be over. And I used to think that working on myself was the way to do that. It is, but it’s only half the story because self-development is a stepping stone to a greater understanding that we already possess what we desire.

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When we see someone struggling and we think we have the answer to their problem, it seems only natural, logical and humane to want to intervene and help them. But we should think twice before stepping forward. We should be more patient, ask ourselves why we want to help them, and what might be the effect if we don’t. There is a lot to be said for standing aside and allowing someone to go through their process – whatever that process may be. The likelihood is that they will learn so much more from the experience if they are left to live it fully, than if someone were to intervene too early.

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Why is it that when I begin something, or even just contemplate beginning something, my mind immediately turns to thoughts of perfection? TA theory points to my Be Perfect driver saying that, having examined my world at an early age and considered how I could best secure the love, care and attention we all crave, I drew the following conclusion: if I do things perfectly I will be loved.

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For some of us the act of loving seems to trigger a seamless transition towards worry that we may lose the object of our love, or that some harm may come to it. It suggests that the moment we finally experience what we have always sought, we begin to fear its absence. We hold on tightly, justifying our behaviour with comments such as ‘I worry because I care’, or ‘I can’t help it’, as if those sentiments authenticate our love.

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For a number of reasons I was drawn to watch the same film again and again. Five times in eleven days, in fact. La La Land is a hugely uplifting film imbued with the innocence of love, the naivety of dreams, and the single-minded determination which passion for anything brings. I found myself crying and laughing simultaneously, tapping my feet from the very start, and captivated throughout. I lost myself in the unspoken force of facial expressions, was touched deeply by the songs and the sentiment, and smiled with my whole body at the uncomplicated beauty of love and life. But this post is not about the film; it’s about what happens when you watch something closely and repeatedly. One’s own life, for example.

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If there is one thing which this year has demonstrated more than anything else, it is that we find it infuriatingly difficult to listen to opinions which are contrary to our own. The postmortem discussions following the UK referendum and the US election were at times hysterical and exaggerated, but eventually also insightful. It turns out we have a problem performing the simplest of tasks; one which could fast track our evolution: listening. As someone close to me always says: ‘People just want to be heard.’ Unfortunately, we can barely hear each other over the sound of our own voices. There are too many people making too much noise.

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As difficult as things may seem sometimes, when you know something is possible, it is much easier to continue to strive for it. Seeing someone else do it and knowing it is not completely out of reach, alters your outlook. It lifts your spirits and helps you to keep going. Even more significantly, when you see what others can do, and you realise that there are things beyond what you thought possible, it can change everything. This post is a form of encouragement to keep going with your development, and offers an indication of the heights which can be scaled with something as simple as daily practice.

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I watched a documentary this week: A Family Affair by the Dutch filmmaker, Tom Fassaert. It was the third time I’ve seen it, and each time the film leaves me shaking my head at the ease with which it demonstrates how influenced we are by what has gone before us; how opening our eyes can make such a difference; and the powerful way the human spirit always seems to know how to right itself given the slightest chance. It also offers insight into how quickly we can turn things around, especially when we recognise the progress that can be made from generation to generation.

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At first glance, the difference between love and loving may not be so clear. The more one reflects, however, the clearer the distinction becomes. Being loving implies action, which in itself implies a decision to act. That decision has two parts: firstly, whether or not to be loving and then how to do it (what does it mean to be loving?) Being love, on the other hand, simplifies the whole process because in love there is no decision. There is no choice. There is only love.

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‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ That’s how the father of the bride began his speech. I was in California again – the place where I had first met the happy couple, curiously, on the very same day they had met each other. Throughout his speech, which marked the various milestones of his daughter’s ambitious and adventurous life, he took the time to thank all the ‘villagers’ who had played their part in looking out for her along the way. Some were present at the celebration, some were not, whilst others were simply names of people he had never met, but who carry his gratitude for what they did for his family.

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How you choose to see life makes a difference to your perception of yourself, the world, and your place in it. Your outlook and attitude define the qualities you attribute to the whole of existence. They affect how you think and feel, and, therefore, every experience you have. For example, if you choose to believe in coincidences, life takes on a more random quality as different events simply collide without reason or purpose. In those instances the assumption is that if there is any control over what happens, it is beyond us; aspects of our fate are decided elsewhere.

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Karaj and I have been talking all year about the events and people from my training days. My latest visit to see him was no different. We talked about the group, the negativity, and the processes at work. We talked about people’s commitment and where their focus was. In our conversations there is always a desire to get to the truth of who we are. It broke through again on the final morning, when our last discussion before I left for the airport took a surprising turn.

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