Desperate To Belong

Tuesday 19 August, 2014

We talked into the early hours of the morning, and he explained to me how I am torn between my need to belong and my desire to go my own way. For years I have been frustrated by the world and my place in it, feeling that if only the world were more like me, then I wouldn’t have to struggle in isolation. In my moments of clarity I reprimand myself, saying it’s my problem, not the world’s, and that if I really had the courage of my own convictions I would stride on down my chosen path, without the need for the world to come with me and keep me company.

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Self-Responsibility

Monday 11 August, 2014

Thirteen years ago I spent four days bed-ridden in the accident & emergency department. There were insufficient beds to move me upstairs, so I remained among the organised chaos of A&E. I witnessed all kinds of people arriving at various times of the day and night, with a multitude of complaints; every one of them attended to by doctors who were often baffled by their symptoms. This post follows on from the previous two and makes the point that one of the best ways to prosper is to take care of your own well-being.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

Thursday 8 May, 2014

Every birthday was a chance to make a wish, and throughout my childhood I only remember wishing for two things: a pair of roller skates when I was very young, and a proper leather football. Those wishes spanned close to a decade but it was only some years later that I realised both had come true. For the last 25 years I have been wishing for my health and well-being. As with the roller skates and the football, they too have come my way. This post assumes that wishes can come true and asks the inevitable question: if we get what we wish for, then maybe what we already have is something for which we have already wished.

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Own How Good You Are

Friday 9 August, 2013

We all have doubts and insecurities. All of us. Some have less than others, but every one of us – without exception – goes through phases when the little voice inside our heads does its utmost to undermine us with uncertainty, indecision and worry. I have had numerous conversations lately on this subject with a variety of clients and the conclusion of each one has been this: ‘See how good you are and then own it.

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A Pattern’s Course

Tuesday 23 July, 2013

This post looks at one particular trait of mine – creating dramas – to highlight how patterns originate, are perpetuated, and eventually become automatic. A pattern begins life as a strategy. The strategy starts with a desire. We want something, we find a way to get it, and we repeat it until it becomes second nature. The strategy itself may arise intentionally or by accident, but if it works, there is no real point in changing it. There are many more ways for a strategy not to work, than there are for it to work, so it doesn’t make sense to risk changing anything which already leads to our needs being met.

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Re-Parenting & Taking Charge

Saturday 2 August, 2003

Supervision (Karaj, Priya, Dev, Michelle, Ishwar George, Shona and me). Re-parenting. Because my parenting as a child made me wrong in some way, my own Parent began to bash my Child; a behaviour which continues to this day. Now, any re-parenting I receive will have the same effect as the original parenting because that is how I am ‘built’. However, the motivation behind the re-parenting is totally different (to the original parenting) and eventually I will reach a place where I no longer take comments personally. There will be no self-bashing, no embarrassment, or thoughts of ‘I’m wrong.’

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Trust The Whole Process

Sunday 27 July, 2003

At midday Karaj and I chatted. He is under a great deal of stress with the responsibility of his work and the clients. We need to keep things ticking over and, if we are around in 2004, then we can look at doing something. We are both tired but there’s not much we can do about it. The stress he’s under is to do with not having a plan for the future; which direction to go in. Everything else is going well. ‘We’re tackling cultural scripts for fuck’s sake. Doing very deep work.

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I Need To Look After Myself

Tuesday 1 July, 2003

Calvin and I journeyed back to the house following his meeting with social services to discuss his son. His wife had been unable to contain her frustration and desperation. She arrived, announced she’d had enough and went to leave. Calvin talked to her, I got her some tissues and then the chair of the meeting talked to her. She stayed for the meeting and I talked to the social worker that this was precisely what Calvin and I had spoken about. She needs help. Fortunately, she stayed for what turned out to be a constructive meeting. I took notes, chatted to all the people involved, and conducted myself in a professional manner.

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Letting The Negativity In

Monday 30 June, 2003

I awoke feeling tired. Simran called, talking about the arrangements for the group trip on 6th July. He sounded drunk, was unclear and nervous. Afterwards I reflected on the call. It annoyed the fuck out of me. Simran had asked Karaj yesterday afternoon about coming here today because he has the day off. Karaj had told him he will ring him this morning and if he doesn’t it’s because we are not around. Yet Simran takes it upon himself to call us. I did not want him here at all and did not want him phoning either. But then I did not protect myself.

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I Define My Mood, My Day, My Life

Thursday 5 June, 2003

I felt very tired this morning and a little on edge. It’s this scenario again of deferring to Karaj’s mood. What does it matter how he is? I am responsible for my mood, my day, my life. Taking control is the only way.

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Support & Personalisation

Saturday 26 April, 2003

After fitting the sink tap in C1 we (Karaj, Dev, Ishwar, Calvin and I) sat together for a short supervision session. The message was simple. Karaj quoted S.N. Goenka: ‘If you cannot take 100% responsibility for yourself, forget it.

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No Stone Left Unturned

Thursday 24 April, 2003

The following comments have been taken from the last 11 days of notes. They highlight how challenging the environment has become. Every little transgression or miscommunication is being challenged; every emotional response is a signpost to a pattern of behaviour. There was no hiding place for anyone and it was precisely this approach which meant that, if we wanted to expose our conditioning and behaviour in order to be able to face it head on, no stone could be left unturned.

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Two Fathers

Monday 17 February, 2003

It was decided, in consultation with Marian, the girls’ mum, that I would go and pick them up and bring them back for the day out with their dad, Simran. The girls were in fine spirits and chatted throughout the journey. As we alighted from the train, they gave Simran their cards. They were excited, but I heard no noise or any real enthusiasm from Simran. He was not in control of anything, there was no life in him and I soon realised that it was down to me again. I had further support from George. Calvin was with us too, although he was kept busy all day by his son.

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I Took Control

Saturday 9 November, 2002

Karaj told me this morning that I need to get together with Ishwar and Simran and challenge Dev. I talked to Simran but Ishwar had not arrived when the opportunity presented itself with Simran and George. Karaj later informed me, as I was talking to Ishwar about it, that I had disrespected Ishwar by not including him.

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