Providing Support

Tuesday 29 October, 2002

Early this morning, Karaj said we need to get out of the negativity we are in. It is making us tired. I certainly felt that last night, so for the entire morning I worked from my to-do list until it was time to meet Calvin. Together we discussed today’s social services meeting about his son’s care. We also talked about the yearly appraisal. Calvin was anxious about the meeting but accepting of his anxiety rather than letting it control him. There were five of us in the meeting. The two staff members seemed to me to be a Please Others and a Rescuer.

Read the rest of this entry »

Something In My Head

Saturday 19 October, 2002

I contacted Dev at lunchtime to ask him what games is he playing not contacting people – this shows his immaturity. He started off energised and clear as he talked me through the work he has done on his reflection. The more he talked, the more irrelevant it became. In the end I began to challenge him and he soon went low. He said he had thought about phoning us but hadn’t, isolating himself instead with his work. Then he said he would fax over to us the work he has done. Only later did I realise that this was the remark, which had started my annoyance; as if he was going to dump his issues on us rather than relate to us and try and sort things out for himself.

Read the rest of this entry »

Make Use Of Others

Thursday 17 October, 2002

Imogen arrived for her session with Karaj, but first the three of us went for breakfast together. Imogen talked about raising issues. Karaj explained that we need to raise them with others who can then work through them with us. Eventually we will be able to deal with them ourselves, but we need to use others first. Verbalise and raise issues in the group.

Read the rest of this entry »

Remembering What I Want

Wednesday 16 October, 2002

Karaj challenged me about why a particular item was not on the to-do list. I felt like a scolded child and talked later of how I am hanging on, with the intention of getting through the tough period ahead. Karaj talked to me about my personalisation of his comments to me; it indicates that I have no commitment to myself or to others. I let people off the hook because I let myself off the hook. That means they know they can get away with things. He added later that personalisation means I have no control over my Child (ego state) and it is like I am allowing my child to run into the road with no parental control. Karaj, in his challenges, is speaking (trying to relate) to my Parent (ego state) and if the Child is running around feeling abused by words it cannot properly comprehend then I am losing out. I need to exercise Parental control. I am being challenged because I am good.

Read the rest of this entry »

Have Systems In Place

Tuesday 15 October, 2002

Karaj was on at me this morning to sort out my procedures and have systems in place to cope with the workload. Starting to see that I have things the wrong way round. I have been looking to get on top of my work and perhaps then establish systems whereas I need to have the systems now, otherwise I really am just firefighting and the backlog will never be cleared. He repeated that am fucking around, not facing up to my responsibilities; not using the to-do list and living in a fantasy world where things have to be perfect rather than just getting the job done.

Read the rest of this entry »

A Reminder Of First Principles

Tuesday 8 October, 2002

Too tired to exercise and no motivation to exercise either. Began to get a headache with all the different jobs going round in my head. (1) Wrote a to-do list to empty my head, and created enough space to get on with work. I began sorting out my outstanding appraisal documents for Karaj. He told me yesterday that I have been neglected recently (regarding the appraisals) and that this is mostly my own fault. I need to start (2) putting myself first more.

Read the rest of this entry »

Becoming Visible

Saturday 28 September, 2002

Discussed with Dev his overall picture of his week ahead. He went off on his own twice; once at the beginning of the exercise and once when typing up the flipchart. I contributed to him with my feedback and my observations that he does not include his team. I also gained from the experience because I do the same. Another learning point for me is that people don’t need the detail. It is distracting and confusing. They need the overall picture. They will ask if they need more information.

Read the rest of this entry »

Finish Tasks & Take Charge

Friday 27 September, 2002

A learning point from Karaj’s feedback: I do not finish jobs off; I do not see things through. As a result, things mount up and I eventually get emotional. So, finish tasks, because this does give me satisfaction and it means that I am in a better position to deal with emergencies when they come. And they will come.

Read the rest of this entry »

Reducing Anxiety Through Hard Work

Wednesday 25 September, 2002

Having realised two days ago that my to-do list is not going to get any shorter, Karaj summed it up today by saying that if I were to complete my list, ‘What would you do then?’ A large to-do list means I have many reasons to live and it also means I am alive. My only issue is not to personalise my work; just get on with it. Keep busy.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Hearing

Friday 20 September, 2002

It’s the day of the BACP hearing. Dev will accompany Karaj, and Simran will stay at the house with me. In our early morning supervision I verbalised my anxiety and felt better about it. Others verbalised theirs too. In accompanying Karaj today Dev can deal with his issue with his father. We read prayers (the second half of Sukhmani Sahib plus Psalm 139 v7-10 & 23-24). Again, my anxiety eased and I felt peace and unity.

Read the rest of this entry »

What I Have Created

Wednesday 18 September, 2002

Karaj gave me feedback from Dev, who had said that he really appreciates what I am doing for him. He could not have managed what he has done this week without that support. Karaj told me Dev had been emotional about it, and I felt tearful hearing the feedback. As Karaj said, it shows that something is working. That is my achievement, my presence and my influence on my environment. Later in the day, Shona gave me feedback after reading some of my journals. She told me they are really helping her to write her own diary and that she can identify with some of my issues. Some parts made her cry.

Read the rest of this entry »

Love & Support

Tuesday 17 September, 2002

For the first half hour of this morning’s work with Karaj I was wholly ineffective, not able to assimilate any information or get a clear head, and became more and more anxious. The more anxious I get the more I try to please people to cover it up, which is impossible especially with Karaj, and that makes my anxiety worse. Finally, I verbalised it after hearing him say to Harriet that I am of no use to him and keep forgetting things on my to-do list. Once verbalised I calmed down a little and was able to get involved in the work.

Read the rest of this entry »

No Choice But To Carry On

Monday 16 September, 2002

Karaj and I chatted in the garden, warmed gently by the early morning sunshine. ‘If you survive the next year, you’ll be flying.’ He told me my to-do list is the reference for what happens in the office. I felt the pressure on me when Karaj said this and I verbalised it. The point is, I need only to get on with my work and see that it will have an effect on my environment, just like my appraisals have.

Read the rest of this entry »

Challenged All Day

Saturday 14 September, 2002

Karaj told me I am fucking around and not using the group to make my life easier. I get the group going and then stop us all from reaching the next level. Use the to-do list and make use of its power. Check it all the time. Use if fully for a year and I will change.

Read the rest of this entry »