Analysis Of Crowns

Sunday 15 December, 2002

Simran & Dev arrived at 09:00 and we listed the agenda items for today. The priority was the preparation of a report for Karaj’s lunchtime meeting with a client. Simran, Dev, Harriet and Priya were all involved with Karaj and I, working together on the final corrections to the report. I became irritated because I thought time was running out and we had to make all the corrections, but of course, I had forgotten about a similar process we had gone through with a previous client. Steady and meticulous. It doesn’t matter how many times we visit.

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Why Is The Tablecloth Not Straight?

Saturday 14 December, 2002

At 08:45 I began tidying the house. Dev arrived at 09:00, Ishwar at 09:30 and Priya at 09:50. At 10:00 we had an hour’s supervision. Karaj pointed out that we are not ready. Dev was in a meeting two days ago and missed the opportunity to sell the work we do here because he is not prepared. We have not written up the work we have done and we are not focused enough to recognise and be able to take opportunities when they come our way. Too passive.

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A Letter To A Friend

Tuesday 26 November, 2002

This letter was written to update my close friend, Francis, on how my life was proceeding. By the end, it had become a summary of where I was at that point in my training. Further proof of the power of recording my journey. At the time, I reflected that I would not send it and Karaj agreed, adding that it is a very good and valuable piece of writing. I never sent it.

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Becoming Visible

Saturday 28 September, 2002

Discussed with Dev his overall picture of his week ahead. He went off on his own twice; once at the beginning of the exercise and once when typing up the flipchart. I contributed to him with my feedback and my observations that he does not include his team. I also gained from the experience because I do the same. Another learning point for me is that people don’t need the detail. It is distracting and confusing. They need the overall picture. They will ask if they need more information.

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Be In Charge Of My Life

Saturday 24 August, 2002

This is a summary of notes from the past week. There were good days and there were not so good days. It was all about getting on with the work; using the to-do list as a tool to be effective; acknowledging the emotions, but remaining unaffected by them; taking charge of situations and issues as they arise, and being in charge of my life.

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A Typical Weekend

Sunday 4 August, 2002

Friday

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How I Manipulated Everyone

Sunday 7 July, 2002

I tried to print out my vision statement from 9th May this morning but the printer just kept throwing out pages of nothing. I had read it and discounted it, believing it to be insufficient and sub-standard. This would pave the way for behaviour which Karaj described as brilliant because I managed to suck my entire team into believing that I had no vision. It was a convincing performance because I was convinced that I had no vision. I felt the vision I had was not good enough. There, again, is my trait of putting myself down. Cut this out.

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Yearly Appraisal

Tuesday 9 April, 2002

The past year saw a continuation of the guidance Karaj has given me throughout my time at the house. I have listened to what he has told me and, as a result, my development has continued towards a greater maturity and a more fundamental balance in my life. I came to terms with the guilt I had at living rent-free in Aubrey’s house. As with all the major breakthroughs I have made, it took time but Karaj made it clear to me that if I do not accept people’s generosity, they will take it away and not offer it again.

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More Conscious, More Achievement

Saturday 6 April, 2002

This day started with pre-appraisal questions. 35 of them. Below are a few examples. The effects were the same as on Monday: I felt anxiety about my answers, yet the process provided me with more tools with which to move forward in my life. For the rest of the day we worked outside erecting the gates for Shona and her neighbour.

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Be Fully Present

Sunday 24 March, 2002

07.45 E&M 25 mins. As I sat quietly after finishing my exercises I began to feel the negativity. I told myself I have a lot to be positive about (from yesterday alone) and that I should grab hold of it and use it. I also predicted that I would have an initial problem with Robert when we met, as I always do. Consequently, I left the house in a much better frame of mind than I would otherwise have done. When the men arrived I noticed that I did not have to negotiate any hurdle with Robert. The day had started very well.

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On The Edge Of A Breakthrough

Saturday 23 March, 2002

07.55 E&M 30 mins. I felt tired, in pain, and resentful. The pain was caused by my back – after yesterday’s physical work my pelvis has sprung back to its unbalanced position which is both depressing and uncomfortable. The resentment is the same as it always is when I feel it. I cannot seem to get on top of it and it causes me to become irritable, argumentative and fall into my fuck-you attitude, the ultimate conclusion to which is to throw everything into the air and walk away.

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Predict, Plan, Prepare

Friday 22 March, 2002

07.25 E&M 40 mins. The subdued feeling is still there. I feel in limbo. It’s as if I want to make the most of the opportunity to feel down (old life) yet I don’t really have anything to be down about. My mind reminds me that I have none of the trappings of a secure and stable life which all my friends have (comparisons) but, at the same time, I know they are not what I am looking for. Even Francis’s latest letter which I received yesterday can be used as evidence that I am not doing as well as my friends. When I read it I had Karaj’s words in my head suggesting that I have a long way to go before I am as competent or as capable as Francis, so again, I find myself comparing. For fuck’s sake, accept who I am. I’m good.

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Written Evidence of Learning

Tuesday 12 March, 2002

07.05 E&M 60 mins. I began a letter to Francis. I wrote down everything I learnt last week and was taken aback by the comprehensive list I drew up:

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Live In The Question

Friday 22 February, 2002

I verbalised my feeling in the first break about the nasty taste in my mouth left by Robert’s comment to me that he is ‘very well’, which did not feel genuine. It’s the sort of thing I used to say to avoid verbalising the fact that I was not okay. That may be why I felt uneasy, because Robert’s behaviour was showing me myself. Because I am verbalising things more now, I am ready to see just how I have been in my life. I used to say things I thought people wanted to hear, or I kept things to myself or I was manipulative and teased people into asking me more about how I am rather than simply coming out with it.

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