In this review of 2020 it becomes clear that not only is there beauty in the detail, there is also release. The more we explore and examine what arises – and what often unconsciously drives our behaviour – the easier it is released. The year began in that vein, with two posts which sought to highlight the importance of making the most of whatever life and the body have to offer. It ended by applying the same tactics to finally put to rest all that had happened during my training days, 20 years earlier. Consequently, this post is also about seeing myself more clearly (than ever).

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This is the final regular post for a while. It is time to take another break from writing, and the events of the last few months have provided an ideal place to rest. Here, I wrap up the recent conversations I have had with Karaj which have generated 10 of the last 13 posts. Hopefully, the reader is left with the feeling that it’s possible for all of us to create a place of love, trust and truth in our lives: a sanctuary for ourselves and others. That’s what Karaj succeeded in doing, even though our evaluation of those early years repeatedly pointed to chaos, confrontation and adversity; and even something akin to failure.

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I got married last month, and two days prior to the wedding I spoke with Karaj. He told me that our conversations over the preceding weeks had finally laid to rest the events of our early work together. He remains a master at reflection, not letting up until he feels the breakthrough, and it was the culmination of the deep analysis he has driven since 2014 that led him to declare the matter closed. My immediate thought was about about my wedding and something he taught me about the timing of breakthroughs and major insights.

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Continuing the theme of trust from the previous post, this one is the result of a conversation with the same friend who inspired the entries, Inhabiting The Silence and Relax Into (Your) Nature. Indeed, this entry is a repeat of what is written in that second piece, but it also goes a little further, suggesting that I allow a part of me to die whilst simultaneously enabling life to help me out.

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Scrolling through the blog archive, I came across an entry called ‘It’s What You Say, Not How You Say It’. It addresses a small element of a much broader experience highlighted by Karaj during an intense day of forensic feedback. I remember the lesson well and the title is correct, but every time I encounter it, I am always left questioning whether the elements of that line should be reversed.

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I began this review of 2019 with the impression that my resolution from last year had not lasted long. The more I reflected, however, the more I saw that its thread ran through the whole year. Let go. Be empty. That had been the commitment. The reason I couldn’t see it was because my original focus lay too deeply in the extreme of that idea; in the ultimate, spiritual conclusion of emptiness and non-attachment. Lofty goals indeed, and needlessly ambitious because, firstly, I’m far from ready for such a state. And secondly, if it happens at all, it comes through doing the small stuff daily.

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The last word came from the audience. Having spent much of the seminar looking at why it is so difficult for us to let go – of words, thoughts, feelings, relationships, habits, etc. – we turned our attention to the advantages of releasing ourselves from whatever does not serve us: relief, freedom, space for new things, and the achievement itself of letting go. It was then that the question came: Is some kind of healing possible? Yes. Absolutely. We can heal ourselves by releasing whatever we’ve been carrying; especially when there was never any need to carry it in the first place.

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At midday Karaj and I chatted. He is under a great deal of stress with the responsibility of his work and the clients. We need to keep things ticking over and, if we are around in 2004, then we can look at doing something. We are both tired but there’s not much we can do about it. The stress he’s under is to do with not having a plan for the future; which direction to go in. Everything else is going well. ‘We’re tackling cultural scripts for fuck’s sake. Doing very deep work.’

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