Worry, Love & Freedom

Monday 27 March, 2017

For some of us the act of loving seems to trigger a seamless transition towards worry that we may lose the object of our love, or that some harm may come to it. It suggests that the moment we finally experience what we have always sought, we begin to fear its absence. We hold on tightly, justifying our behaviour with comments such as ‘I worry because I care’, or ‘I can’t help it’, as if those sentiments authenticate our love.

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Drop Everything For A Moment

Thursday 24 March, 2016

16 years ago, I wrote a short entry called Infinite Futures, in which I talked about the advantages of remaining within that quiet point in existence where all futures are possible, rather than allow my thoughts to limit me to one particular trajectory. My point had been to remind myself how peaceful life is when I am not preoccupied with what the future may or may not hold.

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Challenging Our Assumptions

Wednesday 19 December, 2012

A week ago I was challenged to leave my comfort zone. I saw it coming and my immediate response was to resist. Fortunately my motivation to take up the challenge was greater. It was all part of a coaching course I was attending and during this particular session I had been talking with one of the coaches about my reluctance to make the first move in social interactions. At best I feel awkward; at worst, anxious and ready to leave. The coach knew my travel arrangements for that evening and our closing dialogue went something like this:

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Surrendering to Your Process

Monday 16 January, 2012

This post emphasises how important it is to surrender to whatever process we find ourselves in, whilst all the time maintaining a belief in ourselves and trusting that everything will work out well in the end. None of which, however, is an excuse to sit back and do nothing. We have to generate and sustain a certain amount of momentum in order to create the possibility of success. And if we do that, then a turnaround in our fortunes can happen in an instant.

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The Reality of Worry

Sunday 30 October, 2011

In the instant we worry, that is our reality. But there is always an alternative. This post looks at the nature of worry and examines the possibilities available to us to change our reality. It was written after posting a number of recent journal entries from 11 years ago, which show how easily I worried and how limiting it can be.

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Enjoy The Journey

Friday 30 September, 2011

It is not uncommon for my clients to express concern; to worry about the attainment of their goals. When they do, my advice is always the same: assume you will get there and then enjoy the journey. Achieving the latter helps to guarantee success with the former. This post is about just that: enjoying the whole process, safe in the knowledge that you will succeed.

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Meeting The Minimum Standard

Sunday 19 May, 2002

Ishwar arrived after the meeting this morning and I filled him in. Karaj challenged me immediately because I started with a task rather than enthusiasm. The meeting had created energy about where we all were and I began with what needed doing. Lesson.

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A Change Of Name

Saturday 18 May, 2002

In the morning I took control, giving instructions to Dev and George as we prepared for the day. Because I knew what needed to be done, I didn’t feel so uneasy giving orders; it is when I am unsure that my problems start.  Talked to Dev about my contribution to the ceremony (Sunil was going to change his name back to the one his original family had given him, rather than the one he was given by his family in England when he came here as a small boy).

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Dreams & Fears

Sunday 28 October, 2001

Dev and Kuldip picked me up on the way to the house for what has become the normal Sunday working session. Sunil and Robert called for Calvin. We sat for a supervision session during which Karaj told me to reacquaint myself with my office and give thought to my visions of the future. He then left us with an audio tape of the sermon he had heard that morning at his wife’s church. He said that it was particularly relevant to Robert (whose wife has applied for an exclusion order after finding his appraisals) but we should all listen to it.

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Too Serious

Monday 30 July, 2001

My mood is subdued and I have the feeling that things have become very serious and hard work here in the house. This formed the basis of my conversation with Karaj this morning. I am no longer having fun here. I have taken responsibility for things which have nothing to do with me. By worrying others I am undermining their ability to cope and to sort themselves out.

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Monday 18 June, 2001

My back felt very stiff indeed when I woke up and it took me about five minutes to be able to stand unaided. It feels like all the muscles in my lower back are poised on the edge of agonizing cramp – I’m in constant pain but one false move and I’m in agony. I struggled to dress myself but I did walk all the way to the house. It took my about 15 minutes longer than usual and I was in pain every step of the way but I made it. My back seems to be most painful in the mornings and this morning it seemed worse than at any time so far. It occurred to me during my walk that, in contrast to the previous occasions when my back has gone, this time I am on my own. This time I am looking after myself. I am standing on my own two feet. Intriguingly, I seem to be better off physically if I stay standing rather than lie down.

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Deep Concern & Worry

Wednesday 6 June, 2001

6.00 E&M 60 mins. Despite an early night last night I felt tired this morning and as a result the exercises were difficult. I lacked any real motivation. I am eating too much again. My tiredness of the last two days is definitely connected to over-consumption. I still have nerve pain in my lower back on the left. It is not causing too much discomfort – more of an annoyance than a pain – but it registers itself every now and again.

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Expecting Blame & Seeking Drama

Thursday 10 May, 2001

08.30 E&M 70 mins. Excellent discipline after last night. When I first woke up I asked Karaj if I could use the phone to phone dad and find out the latest on Gran. He told me to meditate first as I was clearly in Child ego state: ‘Can I phone my dad please?’, instead of ‘I’m going to use the phone’.

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Relax & Lighten Up

Thursday 1 March, 2001

6.05 Had to drag myself out of bed. My body ached, and the pain and tiredness tempted me to stay where I was. However, I exercised and felt much better afterwards. It has taken three days to make any sort of recovery from the weekend. The lethargy has been bad enough but the negativity was the real issue. Today I feel much better about everything. I am not as tired as I have been, I feel physically stronger and I am not torturing myself mentally with all the comparisons which have been going through my head over the last few days. In a way, the comparisons seem to have been occurring at a background level – gnawing away at me without me realising. There were clearly times when I was consciously deliberating over the differences between me and my friends, but even when I caught myself and tried to stop comparing, there seemed no respite from the trickle of negative feelings which occupied me day and night. Comparisons really do cause me problems.

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